Paloma Dreams

Opals

2010-11-09T13:25:00.000-08:00

The scientists told me that it was possible. They convinced me that the gems could be formed rapidly beneath the tree in my parent's front yard. All we needed were ferns, dirt and some other chemical component they didn't bother to name for me. I knelt under the cool umbrella of that tree and dug the earth with my pointer fingers and sure enough the opals were there jutting up from the soil in their milky blue state. I plucked them and deposited them into my pockets.

I awoke this morning and it occurred to me that the exposure of those beautiful opals were symbols of good luck growing out of a simple and wonderful foundation.

White Flowers

2010-01-21T15:35:00.000-08:00

The bouquets of white flowers stiffly stood in their vases
Hair changed color and form
Ladies chopped hair and salad
The smell of lettuce permeated the air
I was back in school

The rain is beckoning me back inside to read and write, again. From my bedroom window I can see the wet green leaves against the brick building across the way. The rain has made everything look shiny, clean and vibrant. I am glad that I'm indoors looking out. Perspective.

A body likes movement
It likes shelter
A reason to be

Beauty, change, and success bring anxiety

Please take this challenge to do and be more than yesterday
The bouquets of white roses are towering in their vases

2010 Begins

2010-01-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

This morning Alan and I went to sleep at 3:00 a.m. after celebrating the New Year with a small gathering of friends and family in our home. I am sure that the dreams came, but as soon as I awoke they went into my bucket of lost memories. I can still smell the perfume I wore on my wrists though and the wine stain on the carpet matches the couch. The party was a success.

This year begins with holiday coffee, Alan's delicious eggs, "The Twilight Zone" marathon, and tender hugs from the man I love. This is a great start.

Reflection

2009-12-30T10:49:00.000-08:00

In the bathroom I discover the chilly world of self-reflection etching my fingers across the tiles and fixtures. For some odd reason you, someone I never talk to anymore, are often trying to interrupt my solitude here in my dreams. This constant invasion of privacy makes me uncomfortable and without reason more lonely than I already feel. Do you come to remind me that even my most secret place is up for judgement? I wonder, but then I recall the shallowness of the contact we had. Your judgement is based upon the surface of me, not the deep complicated creature that I am. This miniscule space will not give you the long breath it takes to know me.

Each time the door opens and you peek in I am here with cold fingertips. I wait. I wait for you to leave, but you often just stand there and stare. You don't know me, but I know you.

What To Do

2009-11-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I last posted a dream blog. I've been dreaming all the while, but just not writing about them. Since I moved to the Westside in August I've hit a lull in my creativity. Anyway, last night I dreamt that I broke up with my fiance. He had not done anything terribly wrong, but I was frustrated with his lack of communication skills and his inability to romance me. This revelation and decision was spurned when he left for work without even so much as a goodbye. As he walked away I shouted his name and he turned around. I said, "You and I need to talk." He slowly walked back to me and lethargically said, "What?" Without hesitation I told him that I had decided to leave him. He didn't take me seriously. In fact he chuckled, "Of course, you won't leave me." His reaction frustrated me further.

As I gathered the strength and words to convince him of my earnest choice my mom came up to me with teary eyes and reached out to me. I said, "Mom, I can't talk to you right now. I'm sorry that you are upset, but I need to take care of my own problems." She blinked back her tears and walked away.

Anger burned in my chest as I turned around and faced his lifeless eyes. All he cared about was himself. How could I spend the rest of my life with someone so self-centered? The irony was I had turned my very own distressed mother away to communicate with him. She deserved more than that.

I woke up this morning still burning with that frustration perhaps due to a conversation my fiance and I had last night about Thanksgiving this year. As it turned out we had to pick one of our families to spend the day with. We chose his because it made the most sense since we will be flying up to Portland to celebrate Christmas with my family this year. I had to call my mom to tell her that we would not be joining them on Thursday. I know that it is the right choice, but it still made me feel bad. When I told him how I felt, he just stared back at me blankly. There was no compassion for my guilt just a nonchalant "OK". His reaction reminded me of his lack of comforting skills. Sometimes his stoicism makes me feel unloved and apprehensive about our future together. He does not always react the way he did last night, but when he does it is like a dagger in my chest.

Tubes of Smoke

2009-09-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I went home to Tujunga. The hills were still on fire and I could smell smoke in the air. I let myself into the house and walked to my room: the room I was born in, the room I keep returning to. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned around. My mother was standing there talking to me, but I could barely hear her. She sounded like she was under water. Minutes passed as I looked at her and tried desperately to decipher her words by reading her lips when my father appeared in the doorway. He tried to talk to me, too. He realized quickly that I could not understand him either, so impatiently he pointed in my direction. I looked behind me, but nothing was there. Then I returned my gaze on the both of them and they both nodded "no" and then pointed directly at my chest. When I looked down everything finally registered: all over my body tubes were sticking out. Shocked and terrified, I immediately started ripping them out of my body. The tubes crashed to the ground splashing my bodily goo all over my old bed. I wanted to cry and scream, but no tears nor words came out. I looked at my parents pleadingly. They returned my gaze with compassionate frowns and then coerced me to sit on the bed. Smoke started to fill the room in huge plumes and I just laid there waiting for the flames to find me and take me away.

Metal Mood

2009-05-24T23:08:00.000-07:00

They were lined up out back pacing with needles propped in their hands. Quick tugs on the rubber bands around their chubby arms, the prick, and then the plunge of skinny metal into their veins. I watched the rotund mannish women's eyes roll back into their heads in unison and I cringed. I tried to look away to the palm trees piercing the plumes of smokey clouds in the night sky. All I could think was "Los Angeles".

I closed my eyes as the wind kissed my cheeks. When my eyes sprung open again I saw my aunt talking about dying as she was living. Apparently, her last hospital visit tipped over her usual confidence and she couldn't help but wonder when her last hand would be dealt. This made me sad and so I left without a response.

In the room that followed my friend was sitting on a bench and beckoned me to sit beside him. Something made me hesitate or rather someone else's voice made me turn around. My old roommate was standing a few feet away. My stomach lurched. I blinked and she was still there, so I said her name and even though my feelings were not clear I apologized to her. She tried to force a smile. I tried to as well. She began to talk in order to fill in the gap of silence that lived between us. I wished for ear plugs.

She yammered on and I tuned her out and focused on my sense of smell. I smelled Europe: the mixture of time, diesel, cheese, cappuccino, and aged water. As the shadows stretched the scents were sent more body. I breathed in and coughed. Soon I was strolling alongside a canal and pondering the nuances of communication through silence.

By myself into the unknown I felt trepidation and exhilaration. Outside of my dream realm I still feel this way and often wonder "What is a life well lived? Should apologies, drugs, and the concept of death come together in one night? Should they penetrate so deep that the heart has no option, but to pump faster?".

Man of My Dreams

2009-05-06T08:49:00.000-07:00

In the library we met. You were handsome and brooding. Your face was like a child's, but sexy. I leaned in closer for a better look and you kissed me with lips only a dream could provide. Feelings of giddiness bounced back into me. I fell in love that moment and you smiled at me. You were golden and I was light. Moments passed and then she tapped me on my shoulder.

"Paloma? Paloma, I am not sure whether they told you or not, but your librarian test is tomorrow."

My librairian test is tomorrow? I'm a librarian? When did this happen?

My beautiful friends gathered around me and slyly dumped pens covered in answers in front of me and whispered, "Write these down and memorize them." I started writing in secret.

My father appeared and told me get my things together and come home with him. Everything went blurry except you. You I could look at forever. I could forget the answers to tests, that I need to eat, and even what my name is. With you I felt blissful.

I woke up this morning early and you became a figment of my imagination. You became the man that I will only know in my dreams. I could be sad, but today I still feel in love. Even if you don't exist in reality at least you do in my dreams.

We Can Go

2009-04-16T22:46:00.000-07:00

The dreams are still spinning on couches and the bed in my birth room. In them my bags are packed, but my heart is not. It still is confused and excited. The trip beckons with bright lights illuminating oceans views, ancient architecture, fine art, delicious food, and laughing comrades. In these slumbers beauty dances with anxiety. Will the world and it's gorgeous mutations inspire and distract me long enough to heal and be polished into a gorgeous stone? I'm still here rough and needing a bit of tumbling somewhere new and old at the same time. My other self "The Traveller" commands me now.

Be Patient While He Hurts Me

2009-04-08T15:35:00.000-07:00

"Be patient", she said and let him rob me of my self-worth, again?! I'm starting to believe that there is no use in trying anymore. I give up! I'll let go and let my body float down stream alone weaving side to side without a direction. I'm lost and I'm hurt... so deeply hurt. I'm tired of feeling this way.

Just There and Maybe Here

2009-04-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

I saw you and you in my dream last night. We argued. We hurt each other's feelings. I woke up in the middle of the night and despite other people sleeping soundly in the house I couldn't shake my lonely feeling. I walked to the bathroom in a sickened state: rushing and lumbering at the same time. My insides felt like they were being yanked out and I knew (even then) that my emotions were to blame.

From one moment to the next my coping abilities change from warrior to fallen soldier and back again. What IS happens to be the result of choices I make. I can either dwell on circumstances I can't alter now or try to be positive and resilient. It's tough not falling back into negative patterns of behavior and thinking, but I must. Sometimes I wish that there was someone special to hold my hand and kiss my cheek and say, "Paloma, you are awesome! I love you and I will be here whenever you need me."

March Dream Madness

2009-03-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

March has been an insane month for me especially in the dream realm. I have been having terrifying nightmares that have resulted in me bolting upright in my bed, sweating profusely, shaking, and touching my cheeks to discover the salty residue of tears streaking my face. These nightmares have been so awful that once I burst awake I cannot fall back to sleep without several hours of gentle coaxing. The reason being is I have been analyzing and interpretting my dreams for many years now and these nightmares have alerted the premonition of impending doom: murder. These perilous slumbers keep telling me that I will be murdered soon, but I want to look the other way and interpret them differently. Perhaps all the changes I experienced lately introduce a sort of death of a phase of my life that I didn't sign up for, not life surrendering to death.

At the close of February 2009 I suffered a broken heart, got laid off of my job of three years, and put in my 30-day Notice to end my rental agreement at the first apartment I did not have to share with roommates. Three blows back to back and I couldn't help but think that my apartment number was three and I was moving into the third month of 2009.

Now March 2009 is winding to a close and I am typing this at my parent's house in the room I was born in when my mother was 30 years old and now I am 30 years old. I have moved back home to repair and regain my stabilty. I still have some more moving to do, but the room is already becoming "me" again in three different woods no less. Here I hope to shake hands with my creative spirit again and become an entrepreneurial leader creating a healthier life for all.

Living

2009-02-25T07:23:00.000-08:00

It was my first night alone in a while, so I went home, took a bath, read a book, cooked dinner, watched "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", talked to good friends, played my guitar and listened to melancholy music. I finally fell asleep after the tears dried on my cheeks and once again I dreamt of my mother and my sister. (I don't how many of you readers know this, but I have been interpreting my dreams for many years and the usual interpretation goes as follows. My mother symbolizes a break from a partner that can be repaired if I choose to make the effort and my sister represents problems with the people near or in my home. This particular dream is no exception to these translations: my heart is shattered and my upstairs neighbor is continuing to drive me nuts.)

In the dream the three of us were on this placid lake holding tightly to ropes trailing behind a speed boat. A driver settled in and took off around the lake and my mother, sister and I without water skis managed to maneuver on our bare feet through the water. It was very cold and fast. The three of us were terrified, but we didn't know what to do other than hold on as tightly as we possibly could. White-knuckled and the wind kicking at our faces we each skated from left to right. Finally, as if our minds all became one we decided to let go and the momentum made us weave right and through carved boulders that led to the ocean. There we swam and struggled to return to the calm waters of the lake. The sun was setting and sparkling upon the blue waters when suddenly everything went calm and warm. Each of our hearts began to settle and we smiled at each other with relief. The chaos of life was finally beginning to diminish and communication was about to begin.

Ugh

2009-02-24T15:25:00.000-08:00

Can I go home and cry now?

Hole in My Shoe

2009-02-24T14:22:00.000-08:00

I am not enjoying this feeling. It reminds me of having a hole in my shoe when it rains. The water seeps in and makes my feet cold and clammy. The only way to make them feel better is to take my shoes and socks off, wash my feet and put on dry socks. Unfortunately, I am having a difficult time washing this feeling away. It tugs at me and I am unable to eat. I try to fill a room with words as a distraction, but it is just sitting here watching me and waiting until I am all alone with my thoughts. In the late hours while I should be sleeping I lie awake with my eyes closed: thinking. Sadly nonsensical flashes of insight flicker and fade as I escape into my haunting dream world. I remember seeing my mom in the distance and trying to get her attention as her visage went blurry and I tragically succumbed to blindness. I could sense she was still there, but her responses sounded like they were under water. Her words were barely bubbling to the surface when I went deaf. My body quickly went numb. I died.

When I woke up this morning my left arm was numb and I suffered that twisted moment of discovering that my pain is real. I am suffering loss and there is no way to get around it. Not even my friends' and family's hugs can shield me from what I am feeling deep inside.

Epiphany

2009-02-20T09:01:00.001-08:00

Last night I fell asleep without earplugs humming myself asleep to cover up the obnoxious sounds of my neighbor pacing and his television blaring. At 2:00 am my prayers were answered when he finally shuffled off to a room not directly over my head. At precisely that moment I fell down the rabbit hole and into a huge crowd of people: visages I knew such as my sister, my mother, and my flattened ego. I raged into a microphone teary-eyed about a hatred so strong that only love could be at it's roots. I held something metal against my head and sometimes at the masses gesticulating to clarify my point of view. The people swayed in fear and shouted back common sense. I was not listening. The furious blood pumping through my arteries and veins made the world go silent and that is when I did it. I pulled the trigger and the bullet sliced through my brain and everything went black. I ruminated in that blackness for what seemed hours comtemplating my passing sans images and sounds. I had succumbed to death and finally found that peace I have been seeking.

I woke up this morning with the answers to my life, but I was running late to work so I shoved them back deep inside me. When I have time again I will draw them out.

Female Sereal Killer

2009-02-18T10:59:00.000-08:00

The estate was grand with luscious green rolling hills and fountains. Off in the distance I saw her fanning her extraordinary long eyelashes at a handsome dark-haired muscular man. She smiled at him and I could tell that she had already mastered him with her beauty. He blushed. She gave him a bashful giggle starting for the house. She saw me and her sweet eyes turned wicked.

"She is my best friend you know, but she has been acting a bit strange lately. Also, I know that this sounds super weird, but I could have sworn that her hair morphed from blond to black to blond out of the corner of my eye yesterday and as it happened she growled like a lioness. A shiver went up my spine and it has not left."

She tapped me on my shoulder and with a slight accusation said, "Paloma?"

We both, her and I, chimed, "Yes?"

I could feel the word crawling out of her throat and vice versa.

"I have to go and clean up for the party."

She whispered, but I could hear it more in my head and less from her, "Yes, Paloma. We both know that he would be angry if we were not prepared. He might even hurt us."

If he did, I would hurt him back. I'd kick him and bash his knees in with the closest object and then run down that hill sliding on that dewy grass. I'd probably fall, but I'd pick myself up.

She disappeared into the mansion floating and glowing like an innocent child. I saw him in the corner watching her. He was a creepy voyeur, but he always ignored me. When he would rage at her his forceful physique would draw through me and cruel intentions permeated my flesh. I had forgotten what I looked like and took comfort in the fact that she and I looked so similar. All I had to do was look at her to see myself: beautiful, manipulative, a victim and sometimes mean.

The guests started arriving and begging for money and food. The air was chilly, but the sun was out so she shined. They adored her and fell victim to her naive warmth. Like sweet puppies they followed her as she toured the palace. I reached out to the stragglers, but they didn't acknowledge me. As he watched her his jealousy filled the room. He then rushed from the corner and grabbed her left arm and tugged her upstairs. No one fought him, not even me because for some odd reason I felt like she deserved it. He locked her in a room on the third floor and sat outside like a bouncer.

Politicians and the police started arriving for the extravaganza and each were perplexed by her absence. A party without a hostess almost doesn't seem like a party.

I walked up the stairs and saw him sitting on the floor with his head in his hands. I unlocked the door and found her wickedly crouched in the corner with blood all over her face and hands. She was shaking. She fanned her gorgeous locks over her face and then whipped them back. The blood disappeared and her face looked precious and soft. A sharp ringing commenced and I could hear people screaming, "He's here! The sereal killer is here!"

The news vans arrived and the politians brushed the lint from their suits to speak after sharing whispers with the police.

Clearing their throats, "Yes, as you can see here," fanning their well-manicured hands towards the cementary to the side of the house, "the plane crashed and they buried their bodies here." The people gasped and rushed towards her as she came outside. She hunched over and failed to speak. The masses wrapped their arms around her and tried to console her.

They cooed, "He won't hurt you, again. You are safe now."

A Latin cop sauntered through the crowd and told them, "Back away! She's coming with us!"

Her eyes went wicked and we all lost sight of her, but I could hear her screaming and something else was screaming, too.

When we found her the bloody paw was resting near her. Her face was smeared with blood, bones and flesh and her eyes were wild. I looked at her face and then to the miles of cementary and then back. She was smiling. She was smiling at her victims in their coffins and no one knew, but me and when I looked down to see myself there was nothing to see.

A New Roundness

2009-01-29T15:32:00.000-08:00

My entire life I have been thin and when I am sad I starve rather than binge. I understand that when I have a healthy appetite it translates as inner joy and peace, but lately my desire to eat has hit an all time high. (Just in case you are wondering, I have not been getting high.) I am by no means fat or chubby, but sometimes I look down and think my stomach is cute when it is swollen with food and I rub it like I am jolly old Santa Claus smiling and chuckling to myself. Lately, I've been doing this frequently. In fact, I believe this strange behavior was the catalyst for my nervous dream last night.

I dreamt that my cute belly was expanding alongside my hips and waist and contrary to expectations I remained firm rather than jiggly. I realized within minutes that I was pregnant and upon this realization it seemed that all my bodily functions stopped and the sound of water rushing down a drain convened. Uh-oh. I have to tell my lover and he does not want children EVER.

I find him, look into his eyes and tell the truth: "I'm pregnant." He does not flinch. He is calm.

"I'm not having an abortion. I am too old. I want children."

He says, "OK, what shall we do?"

I look into the space beyond him and I feel the baby's body wriggling inside me. It twists like it is caught in the wrinkled blanket of my body.

I gasp, "Oh, no!"

He blinks.

I scream, "I wish it were food! I am not ready for a baby!"

Could it Have Been the Burrito I Ate Last Night?

2009-01-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

For the past few days I have gone into hiding. After several weeks of back to back socializing I thought it necessary to recoil and repair. Home cooking, DVDs, hot baths, my yoga mat and my Book club book are the only witnesses of what I have been up to lately. Last night I filled myself up with a burrito with all the toppings, fresh currants, a nectarine, a kiwi and a decadent dark chocolate truffle brownie. I hit my luscious bed early and fell asleep.

In my dream I lumbered into a crowded art gallery and tried desperately to find a bench to rest my weary legs. Each bench was occupied by piles of painted canvases. Upon further inspection I realized that they were my father's art. As patrons filed through the tiny room I overheard bitter comments about the artwork and immediately became defensive. I shouted, "Of course they look odd because they are not being correctly displayed! In order to fully appreciate art it must be hung and well lit. In this dark and dreary corner how can ANYONE see their true beauty and worth?"

They all just looked at me in shock and so I ran from the gallery hot and teary-eyed. As soon as I exited the building the bright sun blinded me and yet I continued to run. When my eyesight returned I saw the cerulean blue sky filled with cumulonimbus clouds and tiny chirping birds scattered near my feet, so I bent down and cooed to the minuscule creatures discovering that they were merely chicken heads and necks and nothing more. I gagged and picked them up wishing they were beautiful flowers and ran into the town square screaming wildly. People stopped and stared. Then shouts of concern roared behind me. The voices were familiar and as my ears keyed into them I realized they were people I love communicating evocative concern, so I stopped and then it struck it me. My stomach pulled tight and my hands squeezed into fists. My internal flood gates opened and everything shot from my mouth like a fire hydrant. When I looked down the mutant birds were gone and a strong sense of remorse intensely tugged at my stomach again and again. As the murky sludge dramatically spewed forth I felt tender hands on my shoulders and familiar whispers that everything was going to be just fine... just fine.

I woke up this morning feeling emptied, slightly purified, most definitely strange, and wondering if it could have been the burrito I ate last night.

From Dark to Light

2009-01-27T14:57:00.000-08:00

row after row discovering my wardrobe all over again
cutting out tags and rebellious strings
I touch the fabric that makes me beautiful
and run my fingers through my straight hair
not sure who I am anymore
because I don't look the same

my heart beat speeds up
and I sense a rush of heat through my face
feeling red and prickly

I search for a mirror desiring recognition
even as I slowly lose my abilty to see clearly
the fuzziness eats up the colors and spreads them out
the lines are no longer there to guide me
with trepidation I tiptoe forward into a soupy darkness

wading through the darkness I see light again
and appreciate it more than ever before
my tongue is alive
I am ready to speak

Stinky Kiss

2009-01-22T14:36:00.000-08:00

The title of this blog does not sound too appealing now does it?

Last night I dreamt that a remotely attractive man kissed me. When our lips met I got a quick whiff of a tired mouth that should have completely retired before meeting mine. His scruffy face scoured my face raw as his sour tongue jutted into my mouth. I tried to fake enjoyment and lust, but it was no use. He held onto the back of my head as I tried to gasp for clean air. My desperate struggling like a bated fish for what seemed eternity finally set me free... free to wake up to my alarm.

Strange men in my dreams usually translate to my job. My work day today was a particularly annoying one in which I didn't feel too different than my dream last night as bitter words flung between another co-worker and me. Let's just call him a big baby, a big stinky baby! My only saving grace is he didn't try to literally shove his stinky tongue down my throat.

Piano Spy

2009-01-13T12:36:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that I was a spy. With my feminine charm I was able to enter a "secured" military building to find a quiet place to nap. Each room had thick concrete walls that silenced the outside world, though much to my chagrin I was unable to locate a room with a suitable place to sleep. I haunted as many rooms and hallways I could searching for a simple bed, cot or couch to rest my weary head. No luck.

Upon my search I found a giant room with a piano. I slowly walked over to it and lovingly caressed the keys remembering the times when I was child trying to make music as the dust slid onto my fingers and the ivory chilled my hands. I closed my eyes as the Pink Panther melody hummed through me.

When I finally opened my eyes I was awake and listening to the gentle hum of my alarm.

Spiderella

2009-01-03T18:50:00.000-08:00

Mom and Dad
It's over
It has started
spinning out in threads
Spiderella
Hanging off a mattress
Cold and twisted
Hungry
Tired
spinning out in threads
Over
and over
It's over, again

Simpleton

2009-01-02T15:24:00.000-08:00

You are exactly the same person that I thought you were
A simpleton when it comes to love
A hedonist and that is all
Selfish to the point of making the meaningful meaningless
All you are is a reoccuring disappointment
A faker
Until even faking it bores you
You tell the truth to free yourself of yourself
You lock me in tears
You smile because seeing the emotion you cannot feel
is the closest you'll ever get to being human

S.O.S.

2009-01-02T14:44:00.000-08:00

I thought harkening in 2009 would lift the somber cloud of 2008, but it didn't. As I bow my head and feel the weight of my eyelids puffy with old tears I softly wonder why. Why after all these years is my heart still being battered into a pulpy mess?

I didn't write on the first because I was too busy rehearsing the end of an era and couldn't recollect my dreams anyway.

Last night my inconsiderate upstairs neighbor rattled his chains until day break. Needless to say, sleeping was difficult and interrupted. I dreamt of gay men having dinner with my horrible neighbor and discussing possible episodes with Vanna White and I also dreamt of running down aisles of apricots, stinky cheeses and yogurt. None of it made sense; even to the strange dream oracle inside me.

This year is starting off on the wrong foot and it is in a pile of dog excrement as tall as my knee caps. Please send help.

Kneading Me

2008-12-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes what I fear most comes to haunt me in my dreams.

I have been analyzing my dreams for years: dissecting them like insects in biology class. My rawness has been exposed and taken apart never to return to normalcy, again. This year, 2008, has been a rather tough one as my heart has been torn out, mended, and then torn out again. I wonder if 2009 will be any different...

Last night I dreamt that I was out at a park with my mom and a Hurricane Katrina family. We walked from grass to pavement and sat down on a concrete rim around a fountain and stared off into the chilly air. As the wind hurled past my ears I heard familiar cries and looked down to discover two glossy black cats crawling and purring all over my mother. This became a lucid moment in my dream in which the image of my mother and these two felines became symbols translating into my lover having an affair with two women.

What do I make of this when I wake up and I am single? Is this just a notice that someone I trust is deceiving me? Am I just deceiving myself? Are my fears pouncing and purring all over me? Are they kneading me and mocking me at my most vulnerable time?

A Simple Text

2008-12-29T09:38:00.001-08:00

Letting go
Makes me sick
But I have to
Because that is the route offered
at this point
my love
unrequited
taken for granted
lips of your lies
kissing the air from a far
so I say goodbye
the method you would
a simple text
a limb floating out into space

Sometimes I Dream Lucky

2008-12-18T14:08:00.000-08:00

Last night I had one of those amazing dreams that you just don't want to wake up from. I fell raptuously in love with a gorgeous, kind, intelligent and hilarious man that I draped myself like satin all over. The meeting was incredibly glorious and unlikely. He was so stupendous that I believe the universe was looking out for me because my alarm did not go off this morning. This luck led to eighteen more minutes of what I believe to be pure heaven. I awoke this morning absolutely smitten and with a bizarre feeling that I am going to meet this man soon. Who knows... but damn if I don't feel completely and utterly in love! I even have those butterflies still fluttering in my stomach.

It's Magic

2008-12-16T11:01:00.000-08:00

It's magic. It's magic the way the tongue etches words into silence.

You looked beautiful in your sweet smelling clothes. I could taste the candy film on your skin zigzaging. Evenso, something was missing. You were distracted by the rest. You thought they were more interesting than me because you forgot that the familiar is mutable, too. I walked away.

Hot breath.

< flicker >

On my neck.

The candy has returned, but I no longer crave that sweetness because I know that it turns to salt. I step from the earth into the ocean my heart lit with fire. I like salt, too. I dream of you. I love you.

In The Canyon

2008-12-05T09:02:00.000-08:00

We met up in the canyon in my dream. You were aloof with a creepy smile on your face. I confronted you as sycamore leaves fell behind you and tiny animals crunched the fallen beneath their feet.

"Why have you chosen to disregard me? What has compelled you to be such an ugly and vengeful person inside?"

You tried to look confused, but I saw right through your mask. You enjoyed hurting me because you believed that I had wronged you and deserved it. I didn't.

A long time ago we had known each other better than anyone else. Now my hair is a different color and you wreak of cigarettes. You are a ghost of the man I knew. You are no longer a man, you are a monster.

As I looked at you, I searched for the man I knew in your tapping hands and averting eyes. For a second, I witnessed the softness in your eyes as tears welled up in mine. Like a switch, you turned it off. I wanted to pound on your chest and scream, "I hate you!". Instead I fell forward into your arms crying.

At first you didn't know what to do, but then like old times you wrapped your arms around me and nuzzled the top of my head with your cheek. I could hear the fear in your heart saying, "Don't let her get close to you, again. Leave! Push her away!, but you didn't listen. You held me and I stained your shirt with tears and snot.

When I finally had the courage to look up you were gone and even though I was dreaming I knew I had dreamt everything. I knew we would never talk to each other, again. This was your choice, not mine. It still hurts and it makes me wonder why it's so easy to forget me and move on because when I have truely loved someone it never leaves (even if I say it has).

I walked through the forest alone as rays of sunlight shot through the trees. The birds chirped and I could hear children playing in the background. After what seemed hours I heard a familiar voice call my name. I looked up and my brother was towering before me.

He said, "Come on Sis'. Let's go."

I walked ahead of him as the sunlight got so bright that the light was all I saw.

A Kitten Sleeps

2008-12-04T13:08:00.000-08:00

I held a sweet beautiful kitten in my hands last night. It was, naturally, a dream anchored in a night of restlessness. Yet again, I'm profoundly sad. That kitten was like hope with claws attached sticking into the meat of my hands. It was warm, soft, fuzzy and new. I looked lovingly down at it's adorable face and it cried to me. I cooed, "I know... I know... It's tough being a baby." He purred, wrapped his tiny tail between my fingers and then curved into a perfect ball. I watched him as he dozed off to sleep.

I can't seem to see around this mound of confusion ahead of me. I'm still hurt. I'm still stuck. Wouldn't it be lovely to trade places with that kitten? The thing is I can't. I can't fall asleep somewhere safe knowing that loving and protecting hands are holding me. For this I am sad.

Singlehood

2008-12-01T11:01:00.000-08:00

It is a new month and the final one in this ragged year. It's my grandma's birthday and the rent is due.

I woke up this morning with good intentions, but I kept hitting snooze until I had no choice. I put on some decent clothes, slapped on some make-up, packed breakfast and lunch (cereal, an apple and homemade soup) and left my apartment in darkness.

Somewhere in between my usual routine I forgot about my dream and here I am without a great deal to tell you about my slumbers. The one thing I can remember though was my mom was in it. She was neither upset nor pleased with me. This somehow represents my feelings about being single. I guess somewhere inside me is a bit of lingering disappoint that I have yet to find a person to spend the rest of my life with and yet my drive to make it happen is dormant. I'm bored with the whole situation and I am already getting set in my singular ways. Independence can sometimes be rather lonely and yet not very tragic at all.

Freely Engaged

2008-11-13T14:39:00.000-08:00

Free
Free at last
I shake you off like raindrops

Engaged
Engaged to myself
This makes sense

Creativity is Sexy

DAY 1: Jury Duty

2008-11-04T10:23:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately, the title of this post is not some horrific nightmare that I am going to relay to you in detail. This is reality folks: I'm experiencing my first day of Jury Duty this year.

Last night my upstairs neighbor paced back and forth causing floor boards to maniacally squeak much to my chagrin until the very moment I woke up at 6:35 am. Needless to say it was terribly difficult to sleep and yet I still managed to have a bizarre dream involving movies, nudity, family, and embarassment. There is nothing like the awkward sensation of being half naked in front of my peers and my cousin. For some odd reason cousins in dreams always represent a relinquishing of fears and worries for me. What does this mean about the Presidential election today? Will the candidate that I back be the winner?

What is in store for our country teetering on socio-economical misfortune? This nasty situation we are in is the result of a series of destructive decisions. Let's hope that things turn around for the better. Even in my moments of utter despair deep down I do have faith that there are still choices to be made, so there is always a chance for improvement. I believe that the United States of America will thrive, again.

I know that I should write a detailed synopsis of my dream last night, but I am too preoccupied with political and judicial realities to tap to far into the nuances of my perverse dream last night. Let's just say that I found myself trapped in a SUV with a famous blue-eyed black-haired actor who was eager to watch a movie with my cousin, her friend and me. The night ended in bare breasts, his exposed penis and a feeling of apprehension and extreme shock. (Side Bar: The sexuality and embarrassment I experienced in my sleep was just a representation of the negative current state of our economy moving into a positive and less fearful one.)

It's time for CHANGE, right? An unveiling of the symbol of nurturing shall not be soiled by the hunger for power any longer.

Surrender

2008-09-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

All four of us were walking down the street looking for a distraction and reparation because we were each needing recovery. She was heartbroken over the loss of her brother, her and I were saddened by our break-ups and the final lady was suffering from something that she still could not put her finger on. Our heads were held low and grief etched its way across our faces. Tears were struggling to break free.

My mind suddenly wrapped around a warm and nurturing thought. I peered up through my dry red eyes and saw the familar trees, fountain and wrought-iron of a spa I have had the fortune of visiting a few times.

"Ladies, let's go here."

They lifted their heads and walked into the lavender-scented reception room gazing around like kittens. The room was bussling with alterations for the next holiday, which by the appearance of happy rubber bats and pointy black hats must have been Halloween.

I walked up to the receptionist and requested a few listings of their services.

As I handed out the pamphlets the girls heads resumed their downward positions and they grumbled that everything cost too much. I tried to reason with them that this was something that could help them and it was worth it to splurge. They didn't agree and I could see their strings of sadness tugging them back out to the street.

As we neared my home a tightness formed in my belly as I sensed the approach of my apartment manager. He came up to me ready to strike his barbed words into my chest, but before he could I burst into tears and shakily said, "I didn't replace the curtains yet because my dad was in the hospital." Instead of reprimanding me like he tends to do he started crying, too. It was the first time since I started living in my apartment in July that I felt validated by him. He used softer words and allowed me state my case. My friends faded into the background.

Even as this dispute was being resolved my heart was sulking beneath my chest for my love loss that I had not fully surrendered to. Much like my manager, my boyfriend had been in the dark as to why I left so abruptly and didn't come back. He thought it was over a petty situation of hurt feelings, but it was so much deeper than that. So deep in fact that I was coming to terms with it on my drive home. He was an alcoholic. He had a disease. His disease was hurting the both of us. How could I have reasoned with him? His eyes were gruesome, his teeth purple-tinted and his words were acerbic like the fermented grapes he was drinking. I'd have had better luck with a two-year-old hyped up on chocolate.

I left, but my heart didn't. Once I love someone it never goes away. That part is easy, but this new life is initially difficult to accept. Like bandaids I've watched silly comedies and made purchases to salve my wounds, but it next to impossible for me to eat. I do though because I love myself and the worst thing people can do is give up on theirselves.

All this stuff happened in my dream last night, but when I woke up I realized that this story is all etched in reality. My eyes are tired, so I cooked myself an egg.

Sneaking In

2008-07-31T07:35:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that Alan and I snuck into a new version of Disneyland for my birthday. We both crawled through a wornout window on the edge of a falsified miners' town. Nosey people at an eatery gawked at us as we fell in. They promptly circled me asking me if I had purchased a ticket. I lied and hid my right hand from their view knowing that they would try to investigate whether I had been stamped with the amusement park's icon. They tried to follow me, but as the road thickened with more and more revelers I was able to lose them. In the chaos I lost Alan too, but not for long. I could see his mohawked-head peeking above the rest. His eyes were slits as he sauntered through the crowd like a dinosaur.

Soon I found myself on a strange mound of dirt witnessing half-naked acrobatics a few feet away from me. I drew my eyes away to discover Alan watching, too. I walked up to him and beckoned him to follow me. He rested his hand on my back and I mouthed the words, "I'm hungry".

We walked up to a stand that covertly pumped intense saccharine fumes into the crowd. My stomach gurgled and I could feel my salivary glands going to work. He paid the exorbatant price of $20 for two narrow boxes of candy and handed me one. As I calmly opened my box a small stream of drool escaped my mouth. I had not eaten in days and the hollowness in me had given way to scary desire. My pupils widened and I ferociously bit down on my candy only to discover that the taste was nowhere near the pleasing smell. My stomach fell with grief. I patted my flat belly in a soothing manner and when I finally looked up I saw Alan disappearing into the crowd.

As he faded away, I finally stood absolutely still and took in the fantastical view of corporate towers, rollercoasters, and fountains. The longer I stood there the more ill I felt and I started to hear voices. I could hear my mom screaming at me, "Get Out! Leave!" And then a strange young woman caressed my cheeks and breathed into my ear, "Do you have a ticket?" Her hand trailed down to the mid of my back and rested there until it became a man's hand. I could feel waves of breath on my forehead. Looking up I saw the shadow of a man's face against the bright sun and as I breathed in I recognized the breath upon me. He said with great concern, "Paloma, I've been looking all over for you. Sweetheart, are you OK?" He leaned over and kissed me whilst tears streamed down his face. He shakily continued, "I love you with all my heart, so please regardless of whatever I say, don't ever leave me."

Get a Clue

2008-07-30T15:29:00.001-07:00

Sometimes you just don't have a clue do you?
Sometimes you don't understand the levity of your words
and how they hurt
and how they never go away once they have been said
and how could you?
how could you have said that in front of me?
and expect my feelings to not be hurt
beyond repair

Opposing Forces

2008-07-24T08:18:00.000-07:00

Lately my dreams have been rather horrible. The minute I close my eyes I am surrounded by enemies ranging from benign name-callers to furious psychopaths bent on murdering me. Each morning I wake up to the sheer exhaustion of being chased, berated and attacked all night long.

I can't help but wonder what all these opposing forces means. Deep down inside do I feel like an eternal outsider always having to prove that I am a good person? I do deserve to live a happy and free existence. Do I need to explain why to people who just don't understand? Is peace and acceptance too much to ask for?

I guess there will always be something a little sad and pensive about my persona that confuses and distracts others. A reactionary individual might pounce upon me like I am a wounded animal only to discover that I don't go down without a fight and/or quick sprint. It just doesn't feel good to know that people have misjudged me. It hurts, so I guess these nightmares are my mind's way of dealing with this pain on my off-hours...

Too Small to Live In

2008-06-26T10:18:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I was in Portland Oregon visiting my family. (As I type this in waking life my parents, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew are up in Portland.) I digress...

My sister was showing me around her new home that was particularly tiny. In fact, in order to create a nursery for my infant nephew Gabriel they were forced to put up a fence parellel to their staircase. Behind the fence a meager changing table and crib clung to the small space. I grimaced and then quickly smiled to cover up the disappointment I felt for them.

At the bottom of the stairwell I found my niece Stella playing with her blocks in a cramped corner. The space was so restricted that her shoulders looked like earrings. Around the bend, my sister introduced me to their master bedroom. It was so small that they had to replace their Queen bed for a Twin. I looked up at my sister's face and there were dark circles under her eyes spelling out her sleepless nights.

I woke up this morning feeling like I had spent the night in a cage. My muscles were tight and moving was painful. The wrinkles of worries and resentments were imbedded deep in my brow. I went to the bathroom and briefly stretched my neck. It felt like an old rubberband right before it snaps and hurdles itself into an unsuspecting face. I looked into the mirror and saw my sad eyes scooping up my contacts. The sadness turned into rage in my belly that could only be quelled by the fact that I will be moving out soon from a two bedroom and into a one bedroom apartment of my own.

Slept Thru the Party

2008-05-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

Last night I surrounded myself with pillows and surrendered myself to sleep. I woke up in my dream to a bustling slumber party filled with women that I went to Middle school with. I guess it was a reunion of sorts in which I bypassed the excitement with R.E.M. (not the band, rather rapid eye movement). The aftermath of the soiree was quite a sight and the girls (perhaps riding the "White Pony") whirled around a table of advanced crafts. As a blurry-eyed witness, I stood fascinated as they proceeded to plant succulents into beautifully hand-painted pots. Then, as if without warning, they took out scissors and began chopping up the juicy plants over dinner plates. They chopped hard vegetables such as carrots and celery over their plates as well and proceeded to create bizarre poisonous salads. For the final touch they added Goddess dressing (I presume in order to bring some normality to their creations).

Perplexed, I walked into another room where I slightly tripped. I looked down at the floor to discover the largest puzzle I have ever seen. Each piece was the size of my head and painted in greens and blues. I walked over it in fuzzy slippers peering down at it like it was the map of my life. It was there that I realized I had not slept through the entire party because I was finally awake and everyone was still there.

Not Your Average Day at the Beach

2008-05-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

I dreamt that the day was bright and breezy. My hair licked my ears as I waded into the ocean. A crowd of strangers swam and frolicked around me. I could hear seagulls squawking overhead. I looked up at the perfectly white clouds while soft waves splashed my armpits.

I looked around at all the smiling faces and then fear struck my heart. As I peered into the distance I noticed shark fins slicing through the water. Babies with white caps were sitting on their parent's shoulders, preteens were splashing each other and surfers were sitting upright on their surfboards. Tears sprung from my eyes and I screamed above the waves and the chatter. The word "shark" dropped from my vocabulary, so I just pointed and continued screaming until my face was burning red. We all hurried towards the shore as the tides strengthened. It was a horrifically scary battle against the waves that wrapped around our bodies and tried to drag us out to sea and into the serrated mouths that awaited us.

Behind me I could hear blood curdling cries of desperation as I was splashed with droplets of red. I lost my breath and passed out.

I awoke this morning exhausted and still hot with fear.

Why I Don't Normally Talk to Random People at Work

2008-05-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

I am minding my own business cooking lentils in the tiny kitchen at my work when some random guy that I work with strikes up a conversation with me.

GUY: So, you're staring at the coffee pot? (chuckles)

ME: No, I'm looking at the microwave because I am cooking lentils.

GUY: Uh, you look different. Didn't you used to have brown hair?... Now it's black. Are you Goth?

ME: No, just because I have black hair does not mean that I Goth.

GUY: Let me see your nails.

I turn my back to him and roll my eyes.

ME: I just told you that I am not Goth. Now you are offending me.

GUY: What's that you are eating?

ME: Lentils.

GUY: Oh, that looks different than the lentils I eat. Usually, mine are cut in half.

ME: (Does this guy even know what lentils are?)

GUY: You know that you could paint your face white and paint your lips red?

ME: OK, you can stop now. How many times do I have to tell you that I am not Goth?

I walk past him out the door towards my office. He follows me.

GUY: Your hair looks good like that. Oh, and that soup looks good, too.

Douchebag!

Why Didn't I Take Her Advice?

2008-04-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

When someone you know quite well gives you advice maybe it is worth taking. Chances are since you know her well she probably knows you well. She wants what is best for you and she understands your history. She knows deep down what you want and what you don't want. She has seen the tears and the smiles and remains by your side. She told me if you do this, this will probably happen. Here I am sitting in my consequences with my heart torn out and crying like a baby. Why didn't I listen to her? Why didn't I listen to myself? I can't stop crying. I can't stop hurting.

I guess this is what happens when I hold too much in for too long. The damn breaks and it hurls me forth into chaos.

On the Edge

2008-04-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

Maybe it is lack of sleep... Maybe it is PMS... May it is all this change all at once... Maybe it is the fogginess of what my future holds... Maybe... What ever the case may be I am all of a sudden profoundly sad. I am on edge. Like the number 13, the word "edge" has popped up numerous times in my life. It seems to be a motif for my fear of heights. If I elevate myself too much I am bound to find myself on the edge peering down at a dangerous drop. I can almost feel the dirt beneath my feet giving way...

Beyond Exhaustion

2008-04-28T07:30:00.000-07:00

Last night the heat seeped into my flesh and slowly cooked me into a state of utter exhaustion and sleeplessness. My air conditioner and fan were no match for this high temperature cocktail. I tossed and turned and kvetched all evening long. Comfort was unattainable. When I did fall into my dreamland it was swimming with insects and arachnids. I got stung by a bee, pierced by a centipede and harassed by a spider. They all danced upon my flesh regardless of my pleas for them to stop.

I rose from my bed this morning dizzy with lack of sleep and itchy... This afternoon I have a date with my car to take a nap.

This Light Bends

2008-04-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

Internally, all day long I talk to myself. I am my very own therapist. I say, "Paloma, what will bring you happiness and relief today?" I adjust my back and sit up straighter, take a look at the apple resting on my desk, and find strength in my heart to do the "right thing". I list what I want to accomplish and what I want. Resting my eyes on the words helps me visualize what "will" happen, not what "might" happen. A calm washes over me. I am deeply loved and I can feel it.

I have had to do a great deal of letting go this year and it has been rough, but I understand that this is the process of life: letting go in order to make room for the new. I was starting to turn into a robot, but now I am feeling intensely again. This adjustment is positive even when I am crying. Tears can be cleansing when they don't come from hysteria, rather they have become evidence of coming to terms with my place in this world. What I want and what I need is unfolding to me. My grip is loosening because now I just know instead of questioning why good things are happening. I am grateful. I am grateful to be alive.

Can't Wait for Love

2008-04-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

Last night I took my flight back from Portland, OR. I had a great time visiting with my sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew. It was a relaxing trip filled with cold weather and warm hugs. The beauty I found in my family's faces and in the Oregon foliage and homes was uplifting and meaningful.

Upon my return to Burbank, CA I met my father and mother loaded off of two glasses of wine and tomato chedder chips. I gleefully chanted about meeting my angelic nephew and my ridiculously charming niece.

By the time I drove home and finally fell asleep it was late.

I dreamt that my mom, dad, sister, brother, brother-in-law, niece, nephew and cousins witnessed my car blowing up in the middle of the day. The image of the explosion danced upon our eyes.

I woke up this morning wondering about my personal transformation. Am I combusting, too? Perhaps, I am saying goodbye to my old self afterall.

No Longer Trapped

2008-04-16T12:53:00.000-07:00

How do you swing from "Top Dog" to "Who-Are-You"? You take the Year of the Rat and stir a little and then add a ticking time bomb. This is when being the Bomb is not 'da bomb.

I have straddled Change. I've let it kiss my peppermint lips and smirk at me.

Last night I dreamt that every man I know became a transvestite and I couldn't have been happier. They looked so colorful and their wit was like honey on a taco. I climbed up a steep hill dazzled at the numerous men sporting sparkly gowns. They stared at me as my face burned red. A tropical breeze moistened my brow and I felt like I was being held up by marshmallow arms. Oh, happy day!

It was the magic hour and I was trapping the images in my head savoring the gold that clung to every one's bodies. Up into the sky we walked and though we were tired the road was soft under our feet.

I am genuinely happier than I been in a very long time. The future looks bright, shiny and new. Up I go. Up I go.

Week of Death

2008-04-15T09:39:00.000-07:00

Last week was the "Week of Death" in the waking world for me. Four distinct instances forced me to look Death square in the eye.

April 7, 2008 - Ducks
Early Monday morning upon my drive to work I watched two ducks waddling about upon the on ramp to the 5 Freeway. Several vehicles swerved out of the way of the ducks. They were adorable and ignorant of the accelerated world they were in. In a flash I witnessed a BMW as it drove over them. Feathers and blood sprayed behind the car. My heart sank. Astonished by what I saw, I drove on and reflected on the careless and self-centered nature of that driver. I wondered if he or she thought twice about murdering those animals.

April 12, 2008 - Jogger
Saturday morning I was driving west on Santa Monica Boulevard and just about to take a left onto La Brea Boulevard when I discovered a man lying on his side on the sidewalk staring blankly into traffic. He was in a jogging suit and blood was smeared across his face. Two cops were leaning near him and a woman was crying and shaking her head a few feet away. The man was dead. Anyone could see it in his eyes.

As I continued on my route I thought about that poor dead stranger with his arm stretched out beneath his head marking his end as a beaten pedestrian.

April 13, 2008 - Rattlesnake and Skunk
Sunday afternoon I went to the Old Zoo in Griffith Park to celebrate my friend's birthday. After feasting on chips and cake we all decided to investigate the old habitats. Upon taking a series of steep steps we all encountered a rattlesnake that had been beheaded and derattled. This angered me. The snake's life had been cruelly taken by some mean-spirited kids and left like an omen at the bottom of the steps.

As we crawled up the steps I couldn't help thinking about the bats found in Griffith Park on Friday afternoon on April 11th with rabies. Was the rattlesnake an omen?

We travelled beyond the habitats and off onto trails marked with mustard plants and the evidence of last year's forest fire. I looked up at the sky and into the trees and discovered the charred remains of a skunk in mid flight. The last seconds of that skunk's existence was trapped in time for all of us to see.

I can't help but think of my own mortality: the final moments leading up to death. My body, just like the remains of the ducks, jogger, rattlesnake and skunk, will be left to remind the world of my passing.

Time Had Stopped

2008-04-04T11:12:00.000-07:00

I found myself laying in the sands of a shattered hour glass gazing up at the pink and yellow sky. The pastel clouds hovered still. I could not move. I did not want to move. Laying there I found peace that remained forever. I wondered if I was dead and I was not frightened. I was present.

I Have To

2008-04-02T15:18:00.000-07:00

I guess that it just was not good enough... I guess not. I just wrote a touchy feelie blog that got wiped clean Kaboom style. I hate it when stuff like that happens... Don't you? I mean it is bad enough that my dream memory is sketchy today, but it is even worse that I know that my dreams really meant something because I didn't want to wake up this morning. I hit the Snooze button over and over again. The whole thing reminded me of some peoples' insistance that they found the meaning of life while dropping acid or taking shrooms or something like that. You know what I mean? Those ruminating questions were answered last night and then "Whammo!" I lost them.

I want to hold your hand world and take you to these depths of realization. It is like knowledege without words. It is like I finally found my way and then my legs stopped working, so here I am sitting here gazing at black and white. The remnants of what this all meant are laughing at me. What the hell! I'll laugh, too. I have to. I have to.

Back On Track

2008-04-01T08:21:00.000-07:00

First Dream

I dreamt about visiting my sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew in Portland. They lived in a beautiful home that held the chill of winter through every season. I held my limbs close to my chest and rocked back and forth on their couch as they played video games on a giant flat-screen TV. Stella (my niece) pranced about like a temperamental teenager even though she is a toddler and argued the trials and tribulations of a life as a single-child gone big sister. A mixture of power and disappointment played crossed her eyes like a video game.

My sister languished on the couch next to me deflated with exhaustion and my brother-in-law perspired over his game like he was giving birth. My nephew slept soundly in his crib.

Thoughts of what having your own family means roamed through my head herding me into corners of loneliness. I could not stop contemplating the fact that I have floated so far away from this dream of mine that I can't even see it anymore. It has become a dot in the distance on my plane of life.

Second Dream

Anthony and I parked in front of the Woodland Hills 7-11 I used to ride my mountain bike to with my best friend when I was a preteen. She and I had held the place in high regard as it facilitated our need for Slurpees, candy and boy-sitings. Those were the days when summer equalled vacation and transportation required zero fuel. We rode on personal stamina.

We left my dirty white Honda Civic in front of the store and crossed the street to the bank. When we returned my car was gone. My heart pounded out explanations of theft or towing. We had only been delinquent for a couple minutes or so.

The 7-11 had changed since my childhood. Steps led up to a new entrance laid with red carpeting. The place smelled like smoke and popcorn. Foreign tongues licked the air and my stomach tightened. I searched for the manager.

When I found him, I spat my frustrations at him. He smirked behind his slicked black hair and Armani suit and explained that my car was towed. My face boiled red with rage as he slowly wrote down the location my property was taken to. As I took the document from his hand he reached his other hand over to my behind and winked. I screamed at him and ran out the door.

Anthony sat huddled under blankets out in the cold. He looked at me with concern and surprise. I grumbled about our dilemma and rushed him away from the parking lot. His slower pace angered me. I felt like I was running from a rape scene and no one believed me.

He asked me where we were going. I looked down at the wrinkled paper commenting that the manager probably had terrible penmanship when to my surprise it was meticulous. His name stood out crisp in lead, "Steven Badabas".

A Night of Cleaning Can Lead to Satisfaction

2008-03-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

A night of cleaning can lead to satisfaction.

I felt like my mom last night. I came home after work and proceeded to scrub the bathroom and the kitchen. Once I was done I settled in with a beer in hand and relaxed. I had made it my way with a whole lemon squeezed into the base with a seed or two floating to the top and bobbing up and down on the carbonation. I sipped it and watched TV, but the truth was I was not paying attention to the blatherings on the tube, rather I was smiling at a job well done: the unabashed peacefulness I feel when eveything is clean and put in it place. These moments of complete calm are rare for me. I often get so wrapped up being an adult that I forget to relax and have fun on my terms.

Goals

2008-03-21T15:48:00.000-07:00

I know now why my happiness is fleeting. I need change. I need to travel. I need time to think of new and loftier goals...

Dating the Dead

2008-03-18T10:55:00.000-07:00

Last night I gave my worn out suffering body a break by crawling into bed at 9:00 pm. A glass of water and Valerian root rowed me out to my dreamland. Heath Ledger and my very good friend Joshua von Holder returned from the dead to date me. I walked with them absolutely thrilled that they were alive and astounded that they chose "me" of all people to return to. They cheerfully expressed their love and admiration. I was flattered. As I looked at their smiling faces I secretly wished that I had their purity of spirit because deep inside I have felt like a failure at expressing my love.

I take this dream as an omen of positive change. Perhaps my spirit is going through a transformation right now and I will soon shed my deathly exterior and expose my heart in its full glory.

March On

2008-03-17T14:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes lifting my lids open is torture. Sometimes I feel like a lump of clay that was meant to simply sit. Today is one of those Sometimes.

I don't know exactly how I made it to work today, but I did. In the morning I did my job all the while longing for my impending nap in the car. I used to cozy up in there with my moon blanket and a towel, but some thief wrecked this comfort for me when he/she smashed my rear windows all over them a couple weeks ago. Let's just say that I am not interested in wrappping myself up in insulation. Regardless of the chill, I fell asleep with absolutely no problem. It was waking up that was a problem.

I feel like I have been in hibernation and the world is too bright for my dark slothenly spirit.

My only saving grace is I am wearing green today for that quarter Irish I am. Happy Saint Patrick's day!

Getting Back to My New Year's Resolutions

2008-02-28T09:36:00.001-08:00

So, this morning I woke up at 3:00 am and could not fall back asleep. Perhaps it was the disturbing nightmare I had about my hair falling out at the crown of my head. My royal mane had committed suicide because I was too stressed. Stress is not even a big enough word to explain the trauma I have been going through in my head lately. I have reverted back to thinking that I deserve to be punished.

Yeah, take away my beauty! I deserve it.

Yeah, give me some life-threatening disease! I deserve it.

Yeah, be convinced the world hates me!

No, no, no!

STOP!

At 3:00 am this madness finally came to a screeching hault. I got out of bed, peed, drank a glass of water, unrolled my mat, placed my traction wedge on the mat, turned on my space heater, pulled my crochetted blanket off of my bed and set my alarm. I did my traction and my back, leg and neck stretches. At 4:00 am I returned to my bed with less self-hatred. I rubbed my feet and hands with sweet lotion and finally fell back asleep to yet another haunting nightmare of earthquakes and people standing in the shadows near my bed.

Today I have decided to be kind to myself. I am writing again and treating my body better with stretches, healthy food, and good posture.

Who is this person that I call "Me"?

2008-02-15T15:13:00.000-08:00

Who is this person that I call "Me"? I woke up this morning with this question on the tip of my tongue. I was late to work by a half hour because my alarm failed to go off again after I hit snooze.

At 7:30 am I walked through the glass doors with my muscles still tight from yet another restless night's sleep. I sat down at my desk and began my day in earnest plodding from one ticket to the next. My productivty covered up the haze I was floating in. All day long I have been looking at the world through smudged glasses. Heck, even when I wear my contacts I can't see the world straight. It is skewed by a tremendous amount of indecision. I have decided to be undecided. What would Immaneul Kant have to say about my choice?

Sometimes I think I need outside help and other times I just think I need to be by myself. It is just one of those phases I am in where I have lost touch with myself and what I need. Unregimented eating habits, lack of exercise and not enough deep sleep have equated to my slow decline. I am crawling along in life.

I am looking forward to recapturing my sense of self this weekend. It is time to dig deep and finally start healing.

Valentine's Day

2008-02-14T15:26:00.000-08:00

The dreams I had last night were so choppy that they are not even worth writing about, so I've decided to address a different issue that has to do with this blog. For the past couple weeks I have not had internet access from home. In addition, my workload has been too crazy to find time to write. What this all boils down to a my utter aggravation and ineptitude to keep this blog up everyday as I so sorely wish. These are sad times... I am thinking of buying a laptop, so I can haunt the local wireless ready coffee houses and muse about my dreams on a more consistant basis. Wish me luck. Oh and by the way, Happy Valentine's Day!

Thank You

2008-02-12T16:18:00.000-08:00

The earth was cracking as I watched cars and people careening into one another. We were all desperate to stand still. I watched my mom holding my niece's hand and maintaining an aura of calm as I struggled to stand up straight and out of the way of SUV's and BMW's. The sound was deafening and the smell of gasoline and split earth permeated the air. The dust climbed into my mouth and into my lungs. I coughed and tears sprung from my eyes. "When will it stop?" I screamed. No one could hear me. "What is going on?" I begged. In an instant I caught my mother's eyes. Her eyes betrayed her because then and there I knew she didn't have the answers. All of our calm and strength was coming from a false sense of security only a mother could offer. I lost it. Inside I was ripping apart just as much as the earth around me. When I looked down I could see the skin around my knuckles cracking and bleeding. The dust in the air irritated my rapidly growing wounds. I ran for the grassy hills. My blood spilling forth and contrasting the green made me realize this was all in my head. "This" being the catastrophe all around me. Suddenly everything went quiet and I turned around and all the people and cars were gone. I looked down and my hands were solid and healthy. I touched my heart and my hand fell into my chest. I held onto my beating heart and stared up at the blue sky and I mouthed the words "Thank you".

Natural Magic

2008-02-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

Best friends: we took a journey together in my dream. You were driving and then I was driving. We sliced through gorgeous rolling hills covered in lush forrests and dripping with rivers. We rarely spoke to one another as we took in the emotional power of nature. Our eyes welled up with happy tears that made our irises shoot raw colors into the world and we smiled at the trees and each other. My heart lifted like a balloon and opened up my chest to the fresh air. I was filled with magic and the tension in my neck loosened and melted like butter on a hot summer day. I was taking flight into the cerculean sky as a warm breeze danced through my hair and kissed my face. I looked to you my friend as you faded out in the distance. I waved to you and you smiled back. We will meet again some day and we will float together.

To There and Back

2008-02-07T22:30:00.000-08:00

Within seconds a situation can go from good to bad and back. Inside my stomach is churning and learning a new lesson. All this battery acid has scarred my insides to steal. Some people accuse me of being cold and unfeeling. Those people do not know me.

Let It Be

2008-02-06T15:44:00.000-08:00

I can't recollect much of my dreams last night because the frustrations of today have preoccupied my mind. I know these annoyances will soon blow over, nevertheless I can't help but be angry. Once I leave work I know that I will start to feel better. Then I can finally leave the ugliness of today behind me.

Miracles

2008-02-05T14:52:00.000-08:00

I am not really in the mood to write a blog right now, but considering that I no longer have access to the internet from home I have decided to suffer through this one. Work has kept me very busy and very much on edge. My bones are ready to spring forth from my flesh and dump themselves on my keyboard.

Last night I dreamt that one of my 30 something friends had shrunk down to his former nine-year-old self and decided to entertain me with his piano playing. A child prodigy, indeed! He played so furiously that his body lit itself on fire via kinetic energy. I worried about him at first, but he didn't scream, rather he simply kept playing.

Eventually, I left his antics and walked into a kitchen where I found several young boys and their fathers goofing around. One of the little boys seemed a little nuts and overcome with sadness. He took a step back and then ran towards the cabinets at full speed. Instead of breaking his nose with the impact his face glided through the cabinet door without even a scratch.

Dumbstruck by these two miracles, I walked into a bedroom where I discovered two kittens and a puppy playfully nibbling one another. I crawled over to them and pet their soft fur as I cooed over how adorable they were.

I woke up this morning wishing I had a lovable pet to get me through this rough time.

Trail of Blood

2008-02-04T10:20:00.000-08:00

On my way to work today I saw a trail of dried blood. It made me think about wounds. They painfully gush at first and then, hopefully, over time they coagulate and eventually heal.

This morning in my dreamworld I suffered literal and figurative wounds. I sat cross-legged in my underwear on a bed in the middle of a meadow. The moisture from the meadow seeped into my bones and I felt a deep loneliness. I tried to center myself, but all I wanted was a sincere tender hug from someone who would tell me that everything would soon be alright. I sat envisioning a savior.

A friend of mine appeared and sexually attacked me. He left me lying on the dewy grass bleeding. I tried to scream and cry, but I couldn't. I just lay there hoping that I would heal. My body turned blue and I stopped breathing.

More Than Mild Concentration

2008-02-03T22:00:00.000-08:00

Part I - Joshua von Holder
In February 2004 my dear friend Joshua von Holder was shot and murdered by his transsexual downstairs neighbor. Last night I dreamt that he appeared before me alive and well. Needless to say, I was shocked and perplexed. He explained to me that he had not officially died four years ago. In fact, he had gone into hiding to gather evidence against his attacker. I was overjoyed to see him. Nevertheless, his story seemed to be lacking clarity. He needed money and a connection back to the real world he had left behind.

Part II - Work
I dreamt that I showed up at work ready to apply myself when I discovered that the computers were missing and everything was just made up of roads. Upon one of the roads I found my ex-boyfriend Matt Wilson talking to one of my co-workers. We chatted and he seemed genuinely happy to see me, but abruptly walked away.

Part III - Parents
At the bottom of one of the roads my parents jumped in fromt of me and guided me to their car. They ordered me to get in. My father drove and offered advice while my mother reprimanded me. My head hovered between them. I looked down and I was half-naked. I felt embarrassed and cold. I begged them to let me out of the vehicle stating that I had the means to get home on my own. They refused to stop, so I focused my attention on the scenery we drove by. The lush green hills were gorgeous and momentarily gave me a reprieve from their inquisition.

Part IV - Feast
I closed my eyes and when I opened them I found myself at a feast. I was initially concerned that I had nothing to offer, but quickly whipped up an idea. I walked over to my refridgerator and dug Romaine lettuce out of the crisper. My sister was beside me so I explained to her that I was planning on contributing a Caesar salad to the meal. I aske dher if she happened to have bread, so I could make croutons. She looked at me, but did not answer.

A long table was set on a slope causing the table to severly slant. As people started to sit they teetered in their chairs and unloaded a barrage of sarcastic comments. My brother and two of my co-workers were wisecracking. I ignored the chatter and focused on the green hills around us. I was cold and the chair I was sitting in kept tipping backwards.

Part V - Slumber Party
My friends Kerrie and Shannon lured me away from the feast and whispered into my ear that they had planned a slumber party that evening for 80 some odd ladies. When I entered their apartment it was filled with several beds and sleeping bags littered the floor. An estranged friend of mine from many years ago waved at me. I shouted her name, "Lindsay!" Before I could say another word boys dressed up like robots filed into the room talking digital. My eyes widened with disbelief and I lost my footing and fell backwards onto the bed.

Sweet Dirty Reincarnation

2008-02-02T10:42:00.000-08:00

"I'll be the one to break my heart." - Feist

Is it asking too much to want to be loved for exactly the way I am? Imperfection can be beautiful and endearing, right? My heart is broken and I feel like I am under water and no one can hear me. Tears splash down my cheeks and I want to escape to the streets, but I don't want people to see me like this.

I was trying to get your attention in my dream. I had something terribly important to tell you, but you would not stay put. You just kept moving around acting strangely like sitting in the livingroom in your underwear bobbing your head to music that could not be heard. I found you in my closet sitting on my shoes. You were so happy stealing kisses and rolling the earth in the palm of your hand.

I slipped between the slats in my wooden floor and found recycling comingling with raspberry Blow-Pops. Sweet dirty reincarnation.

Mistaken Identity

2008-02-01T18:16:00.000-08:00

Are you a baby and a warrior?
Are you a rebuttal against birth control and razor blades?
Are you simply complicated to a fault?
Try not to mark yourself up too much.
Try not to let the sunshine blind you long enough for a thief to take everything you own

There you are... somewhere you never thought you would be again.
Everything is familiar
Try not to fight what makes you YOU

In every moment you are learning to be yourself again

The Colors of Death

2008-01-31T13:58:00.000-08:00

I am bleeding. I look down and all I can see is red. 70%. 60%. 50%. My body now is 40% liquid. The crows are squawking above my head waiting for my dead body to crash to the ground. This is change.

Dying in dreams signals a new beginning.

The bullet went straight through my heart before I could make out the perpetrator in the darkness. As I hovered above my dying cells, nothing made sense leading up to this moment except that time when my dad found my 3-year-old body floating face down in the backyard pond. For a moment I could feel that chilly wetness and smell the algae heated by the rays of the sun.

The bottom of the pond was green and the fish that floated by were orange. Green. Orange. Red. I am reminded of the time I fell off my parent's roof. My skinned shins and purple bump on my head swelling to the size of an egg. My brother's clear tears splashing onto my damaged face. I got up never knowing how broken I was. I was bent from the wreckage and all because I was too frightened to take the ultimate plunge.

Alone in the darkness tears well up in my eyes. I am scared, again. I am afraid to move ahead. My dreamworld tenderly holds my hand and kisses my wet cold cheeks coaxing me away from the wreckage and into the white light. It is so bright that I forget who I am.

Little Pig

2008-01-30T08:40:00.000-08:00

Last night when I got home I snacked on blueberries, a grapefruit, and bread with Earth Balance. Later I fried up a Polish sausage and dipped it into Grey Poupon. Shortly thereafter I walked over to the local bookstore, chatted with my friend Kerrie, and then went to see "Juno". The movie made me cry. I walked home alone in the cold.

After taking a relaxing bath and watching a few YouTubes I faded off to sleep. I dreamt that I had been given two tickets to a taste tester event. Tall make-shift counters had been set up in a large warehouse dividing the huge space in half. On one side foreign cooks scurried about cooking unusual dishes designed for mature palettes and on the other side people swam through the grand open space debating which chef's cuisine they should consume.

I located a vacant space and handed over one of my Two-for-One Taster tickets to a woman with hair slicked back into a tight pony-tail. She didn't smile. She didn't say a word. She walked away and quickly returned to me with a piping hot casserole. I was terribly famished, so I quickly took a bite and burned my tongue. As I begged for a glass of water to squelch the pain a patron bumped into me and before I could respond I was shuffled into another space at the counter. I was relocated next to a precocious child. The little boy beamed with joy as he looked up at me. He tried to communicate with me, but I could barely understand his gibberish. Finally, I realized that he was too short to reach the counter, so I lifted him up onto a stool and I tried to get the cook's attention again. Then something rather strange happened. A tiny pig stepped into my food and oinked at me. The child squealed with delight and stroked the piglets back. Needless to say, I was shocked, mortified, and delighted all at the same time. I took the boy's lead and pet the pig's pink back. The pig nuzzled into me like a puppy and I was suddenly overwhelmed with remorse. This is where my lucid dreaming set in because I immediately recollected eating the polish sausage. How could I have eaten this little precious pig? As he stared up at me, his tiny hooves stuck with casserole and Grey Poupon, I screamed, "Is this some sort of sick joke?" The child giggled at what appeared to be my silliness. No one else noticed my outburst. I looked into the sweet soulful innocent eyes of the pig and whispered, "I'm sorry. Your year is coming to an end my friend. The rat is coming."

Car Wash

2008-01-29T09:38:00.000-08:00

My anxiety is through the roof right now. My fingers are numb and I feel like someone poured battery acid down my throat. I want to go home and hide under my covers.

This morning I dreamt that I was waiting in a large old home. The back of the house had been turned into a professional car wash. I walked through bizarre rooms trying to pass time while my soapy car slid between the scrubbing brushes. I worried whether I had closed my windows or not. I wrung my hands and avoided conversations with strangers. The way I was acting made it appear as if I had lost my mind.

I was separated from my vehicle, but it felt more like I was separated from my body. I wanted to be back in my body. I wanted to feel safe. Instead, I felt like a coward. I just felt like the world around me was cold and unforgiving.

It is obvious that these frightened feelings have yet to pass. I will do my best to wade through them because sooner or later this car wash must end.

L.A. View

2008-01-28T10:18:00.000-08:00

At the risk of stating the obvious, Los Angeles is a huge city. This past weekend I enjoyed the view of this great city from hilltops. These treks helped me realize that my problems are so small in comparison to the rest of the world. I am blessed with these legs and this vision that can take me to great heights metaphorically and literally. I am a strong and real woman. I need to go for the best that life has to offer. Even when I am sad, happiness is still beating somewhere in my heart. I need to recognize this gem I possess.

Sleeper Thief

2008-01-27T22:05:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that my mother was screaming at me over a decision that I made recently. Her disappointment was strong and salty. I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep. That rage and sickness would not leave my belly. I tossed and turned and my entire body ached. I drank water. I peed. I ate pretzels at 4:30 am. I put ear plugs in my ears. I wrapped my legs and arms around my pillow in an effort to harness my anxiety. My room was cold and the rain was loud. The moisture crept into my bones and I lay there soaking in my own confusion.

Deliverance

2008-01-26T17:00:00.000-08:00

Up the stairs we walked hand in hand. When we reached the top the world was illuminated. We enjoyed the gorgeous view of the deep blue ocean sparkling at sunset, smelled the salty air, and listened to the seagulls squawking overhead. I turned to you and you smiled with your lips and eyes. I shined back.

I woke up this morning with my tummy twisted in knots like a baby just birthed from her mother. This is my deliverance into the unknown.

Brotha', It's Raining!

2008-01-25T13:03:00.000-08:00

"It's raining cats and dogs" turned into "It's raining hippos and elephants" this morning at approximately 4:30am above my apartment. It was so loud that I wondered if a hole in the ceiling had formed and my bedroom was about to be flooded. This concern is not too far off of the mark since in 2005 this very incidence occurred at said residence in the livingroom. (My couch finally got cleaned the natural way.)

Like I was saying, it was an extreme cacophony and one thing lead to another and I woke up and could not fall back asleep for a good half hour. The memory of my dream last night was drowned out by the rain. What remnants I could tie together seemed to revolve around the concept of brothers. I have a biological brother, a brother-in-law and friends I call "brother". Brothers have long been a symbol of courage and protection in my dreams and in real life. Lately, I have been feeling fearful of my future, so I am hoping that my dream was a omen that I will soon find the courage to move forward.

Gut of Ugly

2008-01-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning feeling deeply wounded by myself. Much like yesterday I felt like I was strapped to my bed and destined to be supine for the rest of my life, evenso I rose and staggered to work. I am very depressed. I am tired of being tired.

Last night I found myself in the gut of ugly. A few homes up from my parent's house I found myself on the other side of the rod-iron gate. I looked at the mustard painted stucco buildings that lurched around me with a look of utter disgust. The owner had traded in his lush green lawn for cement and a couple two-story nightmares. Apparently, he was a Catholic priest prone to offering up his home to financially unfortunate believers.

The extra haphazardly built dwellings I coined in my mind as the "Buildings of Bedrooms". The ceiling heights were arbitrary, rather than legal and safe. I shuttered to think about what it would be like to be in one of those "rooms" breathing in the musky stench of lead-paint, crawling on dirty moist shag carpeting, and sleeping between unwashed daisy sheets.

The gray clouds formed above our heads, lightning struck and large droplets of rain shot my scalp with ice cold reminders of how devastating homelessness can be. To live without shelter leaves one vulnerable to discomfort.

I know that I am not homeless, but sometimes I feel vulnerable like that. Sometimes the ceilings are low and everything around me is dirty and I want to scream.

My Psyche in a Straight-jacket

2008-01-23T16:28:00.000-08:00

I could have slept this entire day away in a red cocoon. My dreams acted like a straight-jacket on my psyche. They pretended to be drawing me awake as they asked me real questions. Just as I would be upon a concrete solution to my woes my phone would vibrate on my filing cabinet/nightstand as if summoning me from this perilous purgatory that I dwell in awake and asleep. These two worlds that I simultaneously live in are not that different anymore.

Back to the Daily Grind

2008-01-22T13:37:00.000-08:00

Sitting at my desk staring at two days worth of work on my computer is a far cry from living it up in the countryside drinking wine, bike riding, eating decadent food and sharing time with my beloved...

Mom, I saw you in my dream last night. You were asking me so many questions. There, like a painted sign, you asked me the most constant question, "Where are you going, Paloma?".

"I am going inside Mom where no one can hurt me."

MLK Day

2008-01-21T20:00:00.000-08:00

I experienced another morning of silent stretches and traction in the dark while Anthony slept. When he awoke we cleaned out our room and made our way to the coffee and danishes again. Can you say "Groundhog's Day"?

We drove to Buttonwood and Ridau to pick up our delicious wine and then watched the gorgeous countryside as we drove home listening to The Beattles and Badly Drawn Boy. We stopped off for a tasty sushi lunch and walked out feeling satiated and ready to be pampered. We eventually made our way to the Burbank Spa and lavished in the sauna, drank tea, and enjoyed a couple's one hour massage. All that relaxation definitely soothed our bike-riding muscles.

What a brilliant and perfect weekend!

Drinking in the Countryside

2008-01-20T22:00:00.000-08:00

I woke up around 8:00 am and quietly did my traction and stretches whilst letting Anthony sleep in a little longer. When he woke up we went out for coffee and danishes and strolled through town a bit more. In the center of Solvang we rented bicycles. We hopped on the bikes and rode to one of my favorite wineries of which I am a member called "Buttonwood". We enjoyed my Imbiber's Club tasting lounging in the garden and set aside the wines I would purchase and pick up the following day sanz bike. As luck would have it, I also had the pleasure of cuddling a rambuncious puppy that lives at Buttonwood. When enough fun had been had there Anthony and I continued on our trail. Anthony popped wheelies and made friends with a couple horses along the way until we reached Rideau Winery. We set our bikes aside and drank in the New Orlean's vibe of Rideau whilst enjoying swanky wines. There too we set aside wines to purchase the following day. We then bicyled to Los Olivos and had a relaxing lunch. I enjoyed ravioli stuffed with squash and Anthony ate a fancy turkey burger. After fueling up we glided back to town riding high on a magnificent day spent drinking in the countryside.

Two Year Anniversary

2008-01-19T09:50:00.000-08:00

Anthony and I drove up to Solvang today to celebrate our Two Year Anniversary. The weather was perfect: cool, crisp and clear. When we entered our hotel room I was grateful to discover a gorgeous bouquet of a dozen fiery long-stemmed roses waiting for me with love from Anthony. I admired them and then we quickly settled in and dashed out to the wine tasting rooms scattered throughout the town. We went to three wine tasting rooms, namely Presidio, Royal Oaks and Honeywood, and bought a couple bottles of wine. We returned to our room to relax for a bit with each other. Anthony leaned over to me with a tiny black velvet box. I opened it to find my promise ring replete with my birthstone perodot and diamonds. It was beautiful and I quickly thanked Anthony and slipped the ring onto my ring finger. Shortly thereafter we journeyed to The Red Barn for dinner with one of the bottles of wine we procured earlier in the day. We ate a delicious meal and returned to our room satisfied with a wonderful anniversary filled with love, romance and generosity.

Quote of the Day: "That was a shit load of alcohol for a body my small!"

Turbo

2008-01-18T13:31:00.000-08:00

The happy puppy face of Turbo lit up my dream last night. Turbo is my parent's dog that my ex-boyfriend kindly introduced to them. Turbo is quite possibly the most gentle and loving being I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He may not be the brightest bulb, nevertheless he oozes the two "L's": love and loyalty. The minute you lay eyes on him he is hopelessly devoted to you. At least, that is how he makes me feel. Anyway, there he was staring up at me in my dream with those sweet pure loving brown eyes and I felt a great deal of familial love. After awhile I looked beyond him I saw several other people I know and love staring at me the way he does. It was as if the whole world had fallen in love with me. I felt like I was about to explode with happiness. This "Staring Love-Fest" seemed to last an eternity and when I finally woke up in the dark early morning I missed those eyes staring back at me.

Bicycle Dreams

2008-01-17T21:59:00.000-08:00

If the darkness could pedal me to sleep
If your breath could heat my cold nose
That would be something

If it is all here draped in the twists and turns of my brain matter why can't I retrieve it for you?

Everything meant something in those hours that I lay with my eyes closed
I wanted to hold you close to me until the numbness got to be too much
And so I did

I held my heart out to you as it pumped away
Asking you to stay here in the darkness pedalling me to sleep

Empty Notebook

2008-01-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

The feverish faces that blipped in and out of my focus were extremely alarming. They each interrogated me about my aspirations for the future. I failed to speak. The voices became louder and louder and reached a crescendo that took my hearing away. I stood there staring not speaking nor hearing their words, nevertheless my anxiety was heightened by the spit that shot from their mouths and the sweat that flung from their brows. I tried to close my eyes, but they were there right behind my eyelids taunting me with incongruous facial gestures. My body began to crumple inward and if I had had a tail it would have curled between my legs. Then my body began to shake and I felt like breaking down and crying, but I couldn't. What I was feeling was too heavy for my tear ducts. It was a lifetime of not knowing my purpose. It was too many unanswered questions and indecisiveness. I was just an empty notebook gathering dust on my desk.

Cheek

2008-01-15T13:43:00.000-08:00

The lights have been turned down and my pillows surround me. I close my eyes and stare at the back of my eyelids. I smell my lavender musk lotion sinking into my skin and drift into my dreamland... I feel a soft cheek next to mine and wonder who it must be. It is not romance per se, rather a sweet brush with sensuality. The sensory organs on my face perk up and sizzle... I wake up and all I can recall is that cheek. I touch my own and it is soft and smooth and I wonder for a moment if people I know have ever let their eyes wonder above my smile and thought about them.

Somewhere for Me

2008-01-14T20:05:00.000-08:00

I found her walking fast on the side of road. I sensed her mad determination and decided to follow her at her own pace until I could catch up. Once I did, I tapped her on her shoulder and inquired why she was in such a rush. She responded, almost out of breath, that her car was in the shop and she needed to pick it up before work. Time was running out for her, so I offered to give her a ride there, but once she got in my car she lost all sense of direction and only succeeded in getting us both lost. I drove slowly down the boulevard yanking my head right to left, right to left. We came to a T in the road and she got out of the vehicle without saying a word. I was oddly shocked by this turn of events and opted to park my car right there at the T and follow her. A crowd slowly formed and swallowed her and I lost my drive to continue on. I turned around and stared at my car that stood amidst the traffic motionless. Then I pondered my own body standing there not moving centered amongst a deluge of people criss-crossing my path.

My car and my body had lost their drive and direction.

I woke up and recognized how utterly frightening and poignant that dream was because it reminded me of how stagnant and indecisive I allow myself to be sometimes. Am I standing here waiting for people I barely know to inspire me to move for them? Am I simply offering myself up to make other people's live less difficult even it means that I forget my very own aspirations in the process? I cannot blame others for my misguidence. If I am lost I can only owe that circumstance to the prior choices I've made. I guess what this means is I need to get back in my car and go somewhere for me.

A Free Spirit

2008-01-13T14:52:00.000-08:00

A free spirit dancing into your view
teaching you something about yourself
in defense of the deep blue
skies and ocean reflecting back and forth

Maturity is the light at the end of tunnel
it is evidence of time spent well

Thank you to the stars and the moon
for helping me sleep
Thank you to the sun
for waking me from my slumbers

A free spirit dancing into your view
teaching you something about yourself
in defense of the deep blue
skies and ocean reflecting back and forth

Booze, Donuts and Coyotes

2008-01-12T13:38:00.000-08:00

Last night I spent the night at my parent's house after ringing in my mom's 60th with Carcassonne, some red alcoholic concoction my dad created , and "3:10 to Yuma". It was fun, but alcohol seems to reap the opposite effect on me by keeping me awake and giving me super human hearing. As if all the stars were were aligned and had a hankering to play practical jokes on me I kept being awoken by some genius kid doing about twenty or so donuts in the street by their house. All I could hear was the car excellerating and the aforementioned screaching breaks over and over again. I could "almost" smell the burning rubber. Freak! When I finally did fall asleep because the nut job decided to go do donuts elsewhere or score some speed or something, I was awoken again by another annoyance. Bring in the coyote pack! Those canines howled like they had been boozing it up at some local bar until closing and had to walk home. Up and down the street they sauntered whilst serenading the neighborhood. I'd say they did this for approximately a half hour or so. To add to all this unwanted noise, I froze. I shivered the night away as I dreamed in fragments shaped like icicles.

Moving On

2008-01-11T08:44:00.000-08:00

On a cold January day I dragged my furniture into a new home. My roommate and I had decided that our rent was too high and we needed to live in a less expensive dwelling. We gave up our pedestrian friendly neighborhood for an enormous rundown apartment in an industrial zone. It was rather ugly and the carpeting was a mess. The ceilings were high.

After finally settling in I took a deep breath and sighed. The gravity of the decision we had made started to sink in.

My mom knocked on my bedroom door and I let her in. She stared up at the ceiling and down at the stained blue carpet and then looked me in the eyes questioning, "Are you sure that you made the right choice?" I dropped my head to the ground as if I had done something terribly wrong. Was it wrong for me to move on? I was having a tough time grappling with the choice I made. It was not long before I realized that I was unhappy with the new old place. This is when I realized that I was dreaming. This lucidity brought a slow moving smile to my face and I woke up smiling.

***

Sixty years ago to this day a miraculous thing happened: my beautiful mom was born. Happy 60th Birthday, Mom!!! I love you with all my heart.

Behind the Fish Bowl

2008-01-10T15:50:00.000-08:00

Behind the fish bowl
Inside, the incandescent lamp lights my skin yellow
My hands musically move from one key to the next
Swimming in the realm of communicaton
Splashing between technical and artful
Lingering in a waiting pool
Behind the fish bowl

Irritating Incidences

2008-01-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

Last night my dreams were filled with irritating situations.

The first incidence was centered around my bed. I was barely able to move from exhaustion and had crawled into bed with my boyfriend when I was met with an awkward situation. A woman I used to house-sit for lifted the covers near me and nudged me so she could sleep in the bed with us. I was too tired to yell at her when suddenly I discovered that my boyfriend was completely nude. My tolerance hit an all time low. I scooted her out of the bed and her body landed with a thud on the floor. She took the fall in stride by brushing herself off and walking to the living room.

I tried to fall asleep, but I felt violated. To increase my discomfort I heard a great deal of commotion from the bathroom. I reluctantly left my comfy bed to investigate. I was two feet away from the door when it abruptly opened and twenty strangers started streaming out. They seemed to be four generations of a Baptist family. They were holding Bibles in their hands and humming hymns. I stood dumbfounded staring at them until they vacated my apartment.

In both these incidences I felt like my private quiet places were being intruded upon by unwanted guests. Through the past couple years I have become less and less of a social butterfly and have deeply found comfort and solitude being alone or with a selected few. Perhaps this dream is an annoying reminder of how reclusive I have become. I don't believe that very many people would be comfortable with just anybody getting into bed with them or random strangers holding a religious family reunion in their bathroom, but these are dream excerpts. My dreams exaggerate my most dreaded fears and discomforts so that I may look at them up close and face them once and for all.

Memory Smashing

2008-01-09T09:53:00.000-08:00

This morning I awoke to Smashing Pumpkins on the radio and it smashed my ability to recollect my dreams last night. I normally wake up to my cellular phone vibrating or ringing. The words in my head are not replaced, rather I reinforce them. I recapture my dreams the moment I awaken like writing down notes at a lecture.

Today I will not be exploring my dreams, rather I will be existing fully in this realm. Perhaps this is the safest route since my past three dreams have been rather haunting and I am dire need of a break from rape, Hell, and adultery.

What I am digging lately in music is "Feist", "Spoon", and "Yo La Tenga". I need to get to Amoeba. The dancer in me is coming back. All the stretching and traction are helping me reacquaint myself with my limbs and rapidly beating heart. I am a bird again flapping my wings and soaring through the air. I am laughing again, too. It feels great. Deep down inside I am just a silly little girl who wants to play. Deep down inside all I need is love and Belgium chocolate pudding from Trader Joe's.

No Turning Back

2008-01-08T07:22:00.000-08:00

I was working too much, so we had an understanding. He could surround himself with women to stroke his ego when I was too busy to do it myself. I thought I was a liberal and free woman when I left him in the bedroom I was born in with two silly girls. They were watching some lame show I didn't feel like watching, so I walked down the hall and into the kitchen.

There were adults and children chatting and playing when I arrived. I sat down in a chair and two ladies sat down beside me and struck up a conversation. They were sisters. One was a lesbian and the other was bisexual. I'm straight. They told me how pretty they thought my hair was. I started to feel uncomfortable, so they changed the subject to their childhoods. Apparently, their father was a zookeeper, so they both grew up in a zoo. The sisters vividly described the animals they considered family and I could see those animals bowing before me with each introduction. After awhile I tired of their stories and started thinking of my boyfriend.

I got up and walked back down the hallway. One of the girls was chatting with someone outside the bedroom and the door was closed. I heard giggling within. Jealousy began to burn within me.

I opened the door white-knuckled. The room smelled of marijuana and sweat. The first thing I saw was clothing on the floor and then the two of them cuddled up in my bed. I ripped the stringy blond girl out of the bed and threw her out the door and looked down at my boyfriend and screamed, "Get out!" The blanket was up to his chin and he was smiling at the ceiling and giggling. I shook him and started crying. My stomach started to twist in knots and I started vometing all over myself and him. I couldn't stop. The more angry and sad I became the worse it got. I tried to calm myself with the notion that I would be free and not attached to anyone again. I started making plans in my head of what it would be like to be alone, but it didn't help because all I have ever really wanted is to have my own family. I sat at the edge of the bed hunched over and tried wiping the vomet from my lips. My eyes were raw with salt. The damage had been done and there was no turning back.

Persephone, I Located Hell

2008-01-07T21:11:00.000-08:00

The gateway to Hell is in an industrial wearhouse. I found it last night in my dream.

It was pouring rain outside and the city lights went out, so I crept into what seemed to be an abandoned building for shelter and warmth. My teeth chattered and my stringy wet hair clung to my face. I walked through the building by the light of the moon that shown brightly through the raindrops and caged windows twenty feet above me. I heard music off in the distance and followed the sound hoping that it signaled a warm place to dry up.

Along my path intricate macabre objects like bones and clumps of hair started to multiply. Velvet blood red and dark purple furniture narrowed my walkway. The music grew louder and the words became more and more difficult to decipher. I walked closer calculating each step as curiosity and chills pulled me in. I met two large black studded wooden doors at the end of my path. I stared at the doors contemplating whether I should knock when I suddenly felt two icy fingertips on my right shoulder. I turned to my right and stared at an extremely pale, tall, and slender man who smelled like a combination of rain and campfire smoke. His hair was raven black and so were his gentle eyes. As I looked at him he warned me not to go beyond the "gates".

He looked simultaneously young and freshly dead. I scrutinized his features discovering layers of his persona unfolding like a onion. I trusted his advice even as I noticed a smudge of blood on his cheekbone. I looked at that smudge until I fell into it and before I knew it I was in Hell. The "gate" meant nothing. The "gate" was a facade created to trick the world into believing Hell was formal and trying to make a destinction between the world and itself. Hell was warm and made of dirt and smelled like rain, campfires, and jasmine. The gardner in me wanted to stay. I figured it is raining and cold outside, so why don't I stay until Spring like Persephone. During Spring I can burst back through the earth in the form of a beautiful vibrant flower and then stare lovingly at the clear blue sky.

The Empty Storm

2008-01-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

It had been a long time since I had last spoken with my friend. She was living far enough away that it was difficult to visit her, but not impossible. Something struck me, so I decided to phone her and invite myself over to her house. Her voice sounded weak and sad. I immediately asked her what was wrong and she tried to gloss over her feelings with false affirmations of wellness. She also adamently instructed me to not come over. I took this as her ploy to have me come to her rescue. My intuition was exactly on target. When I arrived at her home almost all her furniture was gone and I found her huddled in a corner crying.

I ran over to her and put my arm around her begging her tell me what happened. She sobbed and confessed that her husband had raped her multiple times and left her and their two children to fend for themselves. She explained all the ugly details so vividly that I pictured the awful situtation perfectly. I was shocked and saddened and furious.

It was late at night and I had left for my friend's house in such a rush that my boyfriend sick with worry followed me. After my friend admitted her tragedy and confessed that she was exhausted and needed to sleep, we heard a knock on the door. When I opened the door Anthony picked me up in his arms and squeezed me tightly with relief.

She looked at us and out the door at the pouring rain. Her shoulders slumped forward and she offered the livingroom for us to sleep in. We slept on a narrow table as the rain leaked through the roof and onto our faces. We held each other closely and listened to the thunder, howling wind, and the rain pelting the roof and the floor. Thinking of how cold and frightening the world can be at times, I looked down at Anthony's hands and wove my fingers through his and felt grateful for him.

Fire Grapes

2008-01-05T13:31:00.000-08:00

Trying to connect to someone or something I found myself in an Artist Colony resting in Italian rolling hills. Anthony and I had broken up months prior and I was lonely and searching for a way out of my disconnection to my romantic yearnings.

I met a fast talking wiley blond-haried blue-eyed man looking to make a false connection. He was an actor of the worst variety. He was the kind of man who mistook method acting as "love". He tried to woo me with his "techniques". I was bored, so I decided to pretend with him. I let him call me girlfriend even though he kissed other ladies and complimented them on their hair and eyelashes. I didn't want to kiss him, so they took that nasty job off of my lips.

I wandered through the gardens and orchards contemplating my loss of faith in the world. Cynicism had built a gorgeous castle in my heart.

I looked up to find the only love I had left. There stood beautiful grapevines draping themselves over a stone wall. They burned red on the outside and yellow on the inside.

Yellow-bellied.

I tugged the grapes off of the vines and devoured them. The sweet nector dripping down my dry throat. A lady snuck up behind and whispered in my ear, "Those are evil grapes! They are born in the belly of Hell. That is why they burn with the color of fire."

I scoffed at her and danced with my gluttony.

She ripped the grapes off of the wall and squashed them in her hands with a wicked smile on her face. She tried to regale me further with her propaganda.

My belly grew full hovering mid-air with my grape high and I stared past the silly woman into the distance. The meadows out there sparkled a brilliant chartreuse and tears burst forth from my eyes. I peacefully surrendered myself and smiled widely.

Long-legged Baby

2008-01-04T16:45:00.000-08:00

I was travelling. I was a mom, an aunt or a sister to a long-legged baby. Excited to be going somewhere, but burdened with the duty of caregiver I rushed through traffic with a baby in a stroller. I could read the baby's thoughts. He was as surly as a cab driver, but his outer appearance gave him just enough sweetness to soften his sarcastic blows. His eyes drilled words in my head "I can walk, Lady" and later, "...but I don't feel like it". His legs began to grow and poke out of his stroller long and lean. I could hear planes flying overhead. He looked like someone who could be smothered. I faught the urge to yell, "Walk, damnit!" I faught the urge and something miraculous happened. He crawled out of his stroller and began strutting around looking left and right and smiling a toothless grin. I smiled back. I held out my clammy hand and he took it. His little soft fingers curled through mine and I understand at that moment that he was my flesh and blood. He was part of me. The syncopation of our heart beats led us to the starting gates. I handed the checkers our ticket, smiled down at him and saw a burst of white light. The sun had met her son.

Blue Faces

2008-01-03T14:54:00.000-08:00

No matter how exhausted I get, sleeping has been difficult for me lately. My December cold seems to have transformed into a sinus infection replete with congestion and headaches. In addition, my stomach grumbles with intermittant agitation. Food is losing its allure, evenso I eat because I know I must.

Stressful emotions are growing at my core and causing chilling dreams filled with beautiful blue faces. I look at these faces and try deperately to center myself in the white noise of the heater. I want to release what ails me and watch those facades light up with happiness. They are there waiting for me when I close my eyes. They wait for me to speak, whilst they remain speechless. I want them to offer me some advice. I need them to break the silence and soothe my aching body. They don't. They just stare at me looking confused, bored and wantonly.

My alarm goes off. It speaks in vibrations. It tells me to wake up and fill my day with something to be proud of. I stare at it rattling and lighting up. I look at it closely and my face lights up blue.

2008 - Day 2

2008-01-02T17:10:00.000-08:00

I want to let you tag along for a replay of my dreams last night, alas I have very little to charm you with.

I awoke early this morning to do my traction and back stretches before work. I lay there trying to calm my frantic heart. I have so many goals that I want to accomplish this year that I feel like my mind is doing constant back flips. It is all about prioritizing. Each day I must take into consideration my aspirations and use my time wisely. Maintaining this blog daily is one of those listed - my resolution to write every day, so that once a month I have work to submit to writing contests and publishing companies.

I hope to have an intriguing dream to share with you tomorrow...

Resolutions for 2008

2008-01-01T13:30:00.000-08:00

Approximately 3:00 am PST I laid my head down on January 1, 2008 to dream. The sweet hum of the heater lulled me to sleep.

I was behind the wheel moving towards an unknown destination following the rules of the road that were clear and free...

I believe 2008 will be a year of dedication and openess for me. My ambitions are finally floating to the surface and into view. This year I will be turning thirty in August. This year I have made the longest New Year's Resolutions list I have ever made and I am ready to tackle it with perserverance and courage. I welcome this challenge I laid out for myself.

Today is a perfect day to start fresh with a calm and open heart. Today I start accomplishing my dreams.