What To Do

It's been a while since I last posted a dream blog. I've been dreaming all the while, but just not writing about them. Since I moved to the Westside in August I've hit a lull in my creativity. Anyway, last night I dreamt that I broke up with my fiance. He had not done anything terribly wrong, but I was frustrated with his lack of communication skills and his inability to romance me. This revelation and decision was spurned when he left for work without even so much as a goodbye. As he walked away I shouted his name and he turned around. I said, "You and I need to talk." He slowly walked back to me and lethargically said, "What?" Without hesitation I told him that I had decided to leave him. He didn't take me seriously. In fact he chuckled, "Of course, you won't leave me." His reaction frustrated me further.

As I gathered the strength and words to convince him of my earnest choice my mom came up to me with teary eyes and reached out to me. I said, "Mom, I can't talk to you right now. I'm sorry that you are upset, but I need to take care of my own problems." She blinked back her tears and walked away.

Anger burned in my chest as I turned around and faced his lifeless eyes. All he cared about was himself. How could I spend the rest of my life with someone so self-centered? The irony was I had turned my very own distressed mother away to communicate with him. She deserved more than that.

I woke up this morning still burning with that frustration perhaps due to a conversation my fiance and I had last night about Thanksgiving this year. As it turned out we had to pick one of our families to spend the day with. We chose his because it made the most sense since we will be flying up to Portland to celebrate Christmas with my family this year. I had to call my mom to tell her that we would not be joining them on Thursday. I know that it is the right choice, but it still made me feel bad. When I told him how I felt, he just stared back at me blankly. There was no compassion for my guilt just a nonchalant "OK". His reaction reminded me of his lack of comforting skills. Sometimes his stoicism makes me feel unloved and apprehensive about our future together. He does not always react the way he did last night, but when he does it is like a dagger in my chest.