Slept Thru the Party

Last night I surrounded myself with pillows and surrendered myself to sleep. I woke up in my dream to a bustling slumber party filled with women that I went to Middle school with. I guess it was a reunion of sorts in which I bypassed the excitement with R.E.M. (not the band, rather rapid eye movement). The aftermath of the soiree was quite a sight and the girls (perhaps riding the "White Pony") whirled around a table of advanced crafts. As a blurry-eyed witness, I stood fascinated as they proceeded to plant succulents into beautifully hand-painted pots. Then, as if without warning, they took out scissors and began chopping up the juicy plants over dinner plates. They chopped hard vegetables such as carrots and celery over their plates as well and proceeded to create bizarre poisonous salads. For the final touch they added Goddess dressing (I presume in order to bring some normality to their creations).

Perplexed, I walked into another room where I slightly tripped. I looked down at the floor to discover the largest puzzle I have ever seen. Each piece was the size of my head and painted in greens and blues. I walked over it in fuzzy slippers peering down at it like it was the map of my life. It was there that I realized I had not slept through the entire party because I was finally awake and everyone was still there.

Not Your Average Day at the Beach

I dreamt that the day was bright and breezy. My hair licked my ears as I waded into the ocean. A crowd of strangers swam and frolicked around me. I could hear seagulls squawking overhead. I looked up at the perfectly white clouds while soft waves splashed my armpits.

I looked around at all the smiling faces and then fear struck my heart. As I peered into the distance I noticed shark fins slicing through the water. Babies with white caps were sitting on their parent's shoulders, preteens were splashing each other and surfers were sitting upright on their surfboards. Tears sprung from my eyes and I screamed above the waves and the chatter. The word "shark" dropped from my vocabulary, so I just pointed and continued screaming until my face was burning red. We all hurried towards the shore as the tides strengthened. It was a horrifically scary battle against the waves that wrapped around our bodies and tried to drag us out to sea and into the serrated mouths that awaited us.

Behind me I could hear blood curdling cries of desperation as I was splashed with droplets of red. I lost my breath and passed out.

I awoke this morning exhausted and still hot with fear.

Why I Don't Normally Talk to Random People at Work

I am minding my own business cooking lentils in the tiny kitchen at my work when some random guy that I work with strikes up a conversation with me.

GUY: So, you're staring at the coffee pot? (chuckles)

ME: No, I'm looking at the microwave because I am cooking lentils.

GUY: Uh, you look different. Didn't you used to have brown hair?... Now it's black. Are you Goth?

ME: No, just because I have black hair does not mean that I Goth.

GUY: Let me see your nails.

I turn my back to him and roll my eyes.

ME: I just told you that I am not Goth. Now you are offending me.

GUY: What's that you are eating?

ME: Lentils.

GUY: Oh, that looks different than the lentils I eat. Usually, mine are cut in half.

ME: (Does this guy even know what lentils are?)

GUY: You know that you could paint your face white and paint your lips red?

ME: OK, you can stop now. How many times do I have to tell you that I am not Goth?

I walk past him out the door towards my office. He follows me.

GUY: Your hair looks good like that. Oh, and that soup looks good, too.

Douchebag!