Kneading Me

Sometimes what I fear most comes to haunt me in my dreams.

I have been analyzing my dreams for years: dissecting them like insects in biology class. My rawness has been exposed and taken apart never to return to normalcy, again. This year, 2008, has been a rather tough one as my heart has been torn out, mended, and then torn out again. I wonder if 2009 will be any different...

Last night I dreamt that I was out at a park with my mom and a Hurricane Katrina family. We walked from grass to pavement and sat down on a concrete rim around a fountain and stared off into the chilly air. As the wind hurled past my ears I heard familiar cries and looked down to discover two glossy black cats crawling and purring all over my mother. This became a lucid moment in my dream in which the image of my mother and these two felines became symbols translating into my lover having an affair with two women.

What do I make of this when I wake up and I am single? Is this just a notice that someone I trust is deceiving me? Am I just deceiving myself? Are my fears pouncing and purring all over me? Are they kneading me and mocking me at my most vulnerable time?

A Simple Text

Letting go
Makes me sick
But I have to
Because that is the route offered
at this point
my love
unrequited
taken for granted
lips of your lies
kissing the air from a far
so I say goodbye
the method you would
a simple text
a limb floating out into space

Sometimes I Dream Lucky

Last night I had one of those amazing dreams that you just don't want to wake up from. I fell raptuously in love with a gorgeous, kind, intelligent and hilarious man that I draped myself like satin all over. The meeting was incredibly glorious and unlikely. He was so stupendous that I believe the universe was looking out for me because my alarm did not go off this morning. This luck led to eighteen more minutes of what I believe to be pure heaven. I awoke this morning absolutely smitten and with a bizarre feeling that I am going to meet this man soon. Who knows... but damn if I don't feel completely and utterly in love! I even have those butterflies still fluttering in my stomach.

It's Magic

It's magic. It's magic the way the tongue etches words into silence.

You looked beautiful in your sweet smelling clothes. I could taste the candy film on your skin zigzaging. Evenso, something was missing. You were distracted by the rest. You thought they were more interesting than me because you forgot that the familiar is mutable, too. I walked away.

Hot breath.

< flicker >

On my neck.

The candy has returned, but I no longer crave that sweetness because I know that it turns to salt. I step from the earth into the ocean my heart lit with fire. I like salt, too. I dream of you. I love you.

In The Canyon

We met up in the canyon in my dream. You were aloof with a creepy smile on your face. I confronted you as sycamore leaves fell behind you and tiny animals crunched the fallen beneath their feet.

"Why have you chosen to disregard me? What has compelled you to be such an ugly and vengeful person inside?"

You tried to look confused, but I saw right through your mask. You enjoyed hurting me because you believed that I had wronged you and deserved it. I didn't.

A long time ago we had known each other better than anyone else. Now my hair is a different color and you wreak of cigarettes. You are a ghost of the man I knew. You are no longer a man, you are a monster.

As I looked at you, I searched for the man I knew in your tapping hands and averting eyes. For a second, I witnessed the softness in your eyes as tears welled up in mine. Like a switch, you turned it off. I wanted to pound on your chest and scream, "I hate you!". Instead I fell forward into your arms crying.

At first you didn't know what to do, but then like old times you wrapped your arms around me and nuzzled the top of my head with your cheek. I could hear the fear in your heart saying, "Don't let her get close to you, again. Leave! Push her away!, but you didn't listen. You held me and I stained your shirt with tears and snot.

When I finally had the courage to look up you were gone and even though I was dreaming I knew I had dreamt everything. I knew we would never talk to each other, again. This was your choice, not mine. It still hurts and it makes me wonder why it's so easy to forget me and move on because when I have truely loved someone it never leaves (even if I say it has).

I walked through the forest alone as rays of sunlight shot through the trees. The birds chirped and I could hear children playing in the background. After what seemed hours I heard a familiar voice call my name. I looked up and my brother was towering before me.

He said, "Come on Sis'. Let's go."

I walked ahead of him as the sunlight got so bright that the light was all I saw.

A Kitten Sleeps

I held a sweet beautiful kitten in my hands last night. It was, naturally, a dream anchored in a night of restlessness. Yet again, I'm profoundly sad. That kitten was like hope with claws attached sticking into the meat of my hands. It was warm, soft, fuzzy and new. I looked lovingly down at it's adorable face and it cried to me. I cooed, "I know... I know... It's tough being a baby." He purred, wrapped his tiny tail between my fingers and then curved into a perfect ball. I watched him as he dozed off to sleep.

I can't seem to see around this mound of confusion ahead of me. I'm still hurt. I'm still stuck. Wouldn't it be lovely to trade places with that kitten? The thing is I can't. I can't fall asleep somewhere safe knowing that loving and protecting hands are holding me. For this I am sad.

Singlehood

It is a new month and the final one in this ragged year. It's my grandma's birthday and the rent is due.

I woke up this morning with good intentions, but I kept hitting snooze until I had no choice. I put on some decent clothes, slapped on some make-up, packed breakfast and lunch (cereal, an apple and homemade soup) and left my apartment in darkness.

Somewhere in between my usual routine I forgot about my dream and here I am without a great deal to tell you about my slumbers. The one thing I can remember though was my mom was in it. She was neither upset nor pleased with me. This somehow represents my feelings about being single. I guess somewhere inside me is a bit of lingering disappoint that I have yet to find a person to spend the rest of my life with and yet my drive to make it happen is dormant. I'm bored with the whole situation and I am already getting set in my singular ways. Independence can sometimes be rather lonely and yet not very tragic at all.