Sneaking In

Last night I dreamt that Alan and I snuck into a new version of Disneyland for my birthday. We both crawled through a wornout window on the edge of a falsified miners' town. Nosey people at an eatery gawked at us as we fell in. They promptly circled me asking me if I had purchased a ticket. I lied and hid my right hand from their view knowing that they would try to investigate whether I had been stamped with the amusement park's icon. They tried to follow me, but as the road thickened with more and more revelers I was able to lose them. In the chaos I lost Alan too, but not for long. I could see his mohawked-head peeking above the rest. His eyes were slits as he sauntered through the crowd like a dinosaur.

Soon I found myself on a strange mound of dirt witnessing half-naked acrobatics a few feet away from me. I drew my eyes away to discover Alan watching, too. I walked up to him and beckoned him to follow me. He rested his hand on my back and I mouthed the words, "I'm hungry".

We walked up to a stand that covertly pumped intense saccharine fumes into the crowd. My stomach gurgled and I could feel my salivary glands going to work. He paid the exorbatant price of $20 for two narrow boxes of candy and handed me one. As I calmly opened my box a small stream of drool escaped my mouth. I had not eaten in days and the hollowness in me had given way to scary desire. My pupils widened and I ferociously bit down on my candy only to discover that the taste was nowhere near the pleasing smell. My stomach fell with grief. I patted my flat belly in a soothing manner and when I finally looked up I saw Alan disappearing into the crowd.

As he faded away, I finally stood absolutely still and took in the fantastical view of corporate towers, rollercoasters, and fountains. The longer I stood there the more ill I felt and I started to hear voices. I could hear my mom screaming at me, "Get Out! Leave!" And then a strange young woman caressed my cheeks and breathed into my ear, "Do you have a ticket?" Her hand trailed down to the mid of my back and rested there until it became a man's hand. I could feel waves of breath on my forehead. Looking up I saw the shadow of a man's face against the bright sun and as I breathed in I recognized the breath upon me. He said with great concern, "Paloma, I've been looking all over for you. Sweetheart, are you OK?" He leaned over and kissed me whilst tears streamed down his face. He shakily continued, "I love you with all my heart, so please regardless of whatever I say, don't ever leave me."

Get a Clue

Sometimes you just don't have a clue do you?
Sometimes you don't understand the levity of your words
and how they hurt
and how they never go away once they have been said
and how could you?
how could you have said that in front of me?
and expect my feelings to not be hurt
beyond repair

Opposing Forces

Lately my dreams have been rather horrible. The minute I close my eyes I am surrounded by enemies ranging from benign name-callers to furious psychopaths bent on murdering me. Each morning I wake up to the sheer exhaustion of being chased, berated and attacked all night long.

I can't help but wonder what all these opposing forces means. Deep down inside do I feel like an eternal outsider always having to prove that I am a good person? I do deserve to live a happy and free existence. Do I need to explain why to people who just don't understand? Is peace and acceptance too much to ask for?

I guess there will always be something a little sad and pensive about my persona that confuses and distracts others. A reactionary individual might pounce upon me like I am a wounded animal only to discover that I don't go down without a fight and/or quick sprint. It just doesn't feel good to know that people have misjudged me. It hurts, so I guess these nightmares are my mind's way of dealing with this pain on my off-hours...