Getting Back to My New Year's Resolutions

So, this morning I woke up at 3:00 am and could not fall back asleep. Perhaps it was the disturbing nightmare I had about my hair falling out at the crown of my head. My royal mane had committed suicide because I was too stressed. Stress is not even a big enough word to explain the trauma I have been going through in my head lately. I have reverted back to thinking that I deserve to be punished.

Yeah, take away my beauty! I deserve it.

Yeah, give me some life-threatening disease! I deserve it.

Yeah, be convinced the world hates me!

No, no, no!

STOP!

At 3:00 am this madness finally came to a screeching hault. I got out of bed, peed, drank a glass of water, unrolled my mat, placed my traction wedge on the mat, turned on my space heater, pulled my crochetted blanket off of my bed and set my alarm. I did my traction and my back, leg and neck stretches. At 4:00 am I returned to my bed with less self-hatred. I rubbed my feet and hands with sweet lotion and finally fell back asleep to yet another haunting nightmare of earthquakes and people standing in the shadows near my bed.

Today I have decided to be kind to myself. I am writing again and treating my body better with stretches, healthy food, and good posture.

Who is this person that I call "Me"?

Who is this person that I call "Me"? I woke up this morning with this question on the tip of my tongue. I was late to work by a half hour because my alarm failed to go off again after I hit snooze.

At 7:30 am I walked through the glass doors with my muscles still tight from yet another restless night's sleep. I sat down at my desk and began my day in earnest plodding from one ticket to the next. My productivty covered up the haze I was floating in. All day long I have been looking at the world through smudged glasses. Heck, even when I wear my contacts I can't see the world straight. It is skewed by a tremendous amount of indecision. I have decided to be undecided. What would Immaneul Kant have to say about my choice?

Sometimes I think I need outside help and other times I just think I need to be by myself. It is just one of those phases I am in where I have lost touch with myself and what I need. Unregimented eating habits, lack of exercise and not enough deep sleep have equated to my slow decline. I am crawling along in life.

I am looking forward to recapturing my sense of self this weekend. It is time to dig deep and finally start healing.

Valentine's Day

The dreams I had last night were so choppy that they are not even worth writing about, so I've decided to address a different issue that has to do with this blog. For the past couple weeks I have not had internet access from home. In addition, my workload has been too crazy to find time to write. What this all boils down to a my utter aggravation and ineptitude to keep this blog up everyday as I so sorely wish. These are sad times... I am thinking of buying a laptop, so I can haunt the local wireless ready coffee houses and muse about my dreams on a more consistant basis. Wish me luck. Oh and by the way, Happy Valentine's Day!

Thank You

The earth was cracking as I watched cars and people careening into one another. We were all desperate to stand still. I watched my mom holding my niece's hand and maintaining an aura of calm as I struggled to stand up straight and out of the way of SUV's and BMW's. The sound was deafening and the smell of gasoline and split earth permeated the air. The dust climbed into my mouth and into my lungs. I coughed and tears sprung from my eyes. "When will it stop?" I screamed. No one could hear me. "What is going on?" I begged. In an instant I caught my mother's eyes. Her eyes betrayed her because then and there I knew she didn't have the answers. All of our calm and strength was coming from a false sense of security only a mother could offer. I lost it. Inside I was ripping apart just as much as the earth around me. When I looked down I could see the skin around my knuckles cracking and bleeding. The dust in the air irritated my rapidly growing wounds. I ran for the grassy hills. My blood spilling forth and contrasting the green made me realize this was all in my head. "This" being the catastrophe all around me. Suddenly everything went quiet and I turned around and all the people and cars were gone. I looked down and my hands were solid and healthy. I touched my heart and my hand fell into my chest. I held onto my beating heart and stared up at the blue sky and I mouthed the words "Thank you".

Natural Magic

Best friends: we took a journey together in my dream. You were driving and then I was driving. We sliced through gorgeous rolling hills covered in lush forrests and dripping with rivers. We rarely spoke to one another as we took in the emotional power of nature. Our eyes welled up with happy tears that made our irises shoot raw colors into the world and we smiled at the trees and each other. My heart lifted like a balloon and opened up my chest to the fresh air. I was filled with magic and the tension in my neck loosened and melted like butter on a hot summer day. I was taking flight into the cerculean sky as a warm breeze danced through my hair and kissed my face. I looked to you my friend as you faded out in the distance. I waved to you and you smiled back. We will meet again some day and we will float together.

To There and Back

Within seconds a situation can go from good to bad and back. Inside my stomach is churning and learning a new lesson. All this battery acid has scarred my insides to steal. Some people accuse me of being cold and unfeeling. Those people do not know me.

Let It Be

I can't recollect much of my dreams last night because the frustrations of today have preoccupied my mind. I know these annoyances will soon blow over, nevertheless I can't help but be angry. Once I leave work I know that I will start to feel better. Then I can finally leave the ugliness of today behind me.

Miracles

I am not really in the mood to write a blog right now, but considering that I no longer have access to the internet from home I have decided to suffer through this one. Work has kept me very busy and very much on edge. My bones are ready to spring forth from my flesh and dump themselves on my keyboard.

Last night I dreamt that one of my 30 something friends had shrunk down to his former nine-year-old self and decided to entertain me with his piano playing. A child prodigy, indeed! He played so furiously that his body lit itself on fire via kinetic energy. I worried about him at first, but he didn't scream, rather he simply kept playing.

Eventually, I left his antics and walked into a kitchen where I found several young boys and their fathers goofing around. One of the little boys seemed a little nuts and overcome with sadness. He took a step back and then ran towards the cabinets at full speed. Instead of breaking his nose with the impact his face glided through the cabinet door without even a scratch.

Dumbstruck by these two miracles, I walked into a bedroom where I discovered two kittens and a puppy playfully nibbling one another. I crawled over to them and pet their soft fur as I cooed over how adorable they were.

I woke up this morning wishing I had a lovable pet to get me through this rough time.

Trail of Blood

On my way to work today I saw a trail of dried blood. It made me think about wounds. They painfully gush at first and then, hopefully, over time they coagulate and eventually heal.

This morning in my dreamworld I suffered literal and figurative wounds. I sat cross-legged in my underwear on a bed in the middle of a meadow. The moisture from the meadow seeped into my bones and I felt a deep loneliness. I tried to center myself, but all I wanted was a sincere tender hug from someone who would tell me that everything would soon be alright. I sat envisioning a savior.

A friend of mine appeared and sexually attacked me. He left me lying on the dewy grass bleeding. I tried to scream and cry, but I couldn't. I just lay there hoping that I would heal. My body turned blue and I stopped breathing.

More Than Mild Concentration

Part I - Joshua von Holder
In February 2004 my dear friend Joshua von Holder was shot and murdered by his transsexual downstairs neighbor. Last night I dreamt that he appeared before me alive and well. Needless to say, I was shocked and perplexed. He explained to me that he had not officially died four years ago. In fact, he had gone into hiding to gather evidence against his attacker. I was overjoyed to see him. Nevertheless, his story seemed to be lacking clarity. He needed money and a connection back to the real world he had left behind.

Part II - Work
I dreamt that I showed up at work ready to apply myself when I discovered that the computers were missing and everything was just made up of roads. Upon one of the roads I found my ex-boyfriend Matt Wilson talking to one of my co-workers. We chatted and he seemed genuinely happy to see me, but abruptly walked away.

Part III - Parents
At the bottom of one of the roads my parents jumped in fromt of me and guided me to their car. They ordered me to get in. My father drove and offered advice while my mother reprimanded me. My head hovered between them. I looked down and I was half-naked. I felt embarrassed and cold. I begged them to let me out of the vehicle stating that I had the means to get home on my own. They refused to stop, so I focused my attention on the scenery we drove by. The lush green hills were gorgeous and momentarily gave me a reprieve from their inquisition.

Part IV - Feast
I closed my eyes and when I opened them I found myself at a feast. I was initially concerned that I had nothing to offer, but quickly whipped up an idea. I walked over to my refridgerator and dug Romaine lettuce out of the crisper. My sister was beside me so I explained to her that I was planning on contributing a Caesar salad to the meal. I aske dher if she happened to have bread, so I could make croutons. She looked at me, but did not answer.

A long table was set on a slope causing the table to severly slant. As people started to sit they teetered in their chairs and unloaded a barrage of sarcastic comments. My brother and two of my co-workers were wisecracking. I ignored the chatter and focused on the green hills around us. I was cold and the chair I was sitting in kept tipping backwards.

Part V - Slumber Party
My friends Kerrie and Shannon lured me away from the feast and whispered into my ear that they had planned a slumber party that evening for 80 some odd ladies. When I entered their apartment it was filled with several beds and sleeping bags littered the floor. An estranged friend of mine from many years ago waved at me. I shouted her name, "Lindsay!" Before I could say another word boys dressed up like robots filed into the room talking digital. My eyes widened with disbelief and I lost my footing and fell backwards onto the bed.

Sweet Dirty Reincarnation

"I'll be the one to break my heart." - Feist

Is it asking too much to want to be loved for exactly the way I am? Imperfection can be beautiful and endearing, right? My heart is broken and I feel like I am under water and no one can hear me. Tears splash down my cheeks and I want to escape to the streets, but I don't want people to see me like this.

I was trying to get your attention in my dream. I had something terribly important to tell you, but you would not stay put. You just kept moving around acting strangely like sitting in the livingroom in your underwear bobbing your head to music that could not be heard. I found you in my closet sitting on my shoes. You were so happy stealing kisses and rolling the earth in the palm of your hand.

I slipped between the slats in my wooden floor and found recycling comingling with raspberry Blow-Pops. Sweet dirty reincarnation.

Mistaken Identity

Are you a baby and a warrior?
Are you a rebuttal against birth control and razor blades?
Are you simply complicated to a fault?
Try not to mark yourself up too much.
Try not to let the sunshine blind you long enough for a thief to take everything you own

There you are... somewhere you never thought you would be again.
Everything is familiar
Try not to fight what makes you YOU

In every moment you are learning to be yourself again