I know that I am straying from the dream theme as of late, but it is necessary. I am living in the present with a burst of ambition. I have not felt like this in a very long time. I am waking up figuratively and literally. Perhaps my dreams are not so much connected to sleeping right now, rather being awake and persevering for a better way of life.
Let's attend to these positive changes by listing them:
- Eating well: sticking to my blood type diet
- Going to the gym every other day: bicycling, weight-lifting and stretching
- Studying with sincere interest: reuniting with my academic self
- Coming home to my creative mind with writing, collaging and singing
- Working towards assisting others with their creative ambitions by encouragement
- Aspiring to be more patient and loving with my words and actions towards others
- Keeping my environment clean and calm
- Setting higher standards and goals for myself
My confidence and positivity is soaring. I am grateful to be alive and I sense a great deal more good approaching my life soon.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Friday, August 17, 2007
Birthday Blue Shoes
Monday August 13th 2007 I celebrated my 29th birthday. My day began at 7:30 am. I drank a bottle of water and proceeded to do my traction and stretches to relaxing music. Soon after that I went to the kitchen where I ate a hard-boiled egg, a ruby red grapefruit and my vitamins for the day. This was followed by slipping into my exercise clothes and driving to the gym. I had a full workout and even got to read several articles from my favorite magazine "National Geographic". I drove home and took a refreshing shower and walked to a local Thai Massage place call Bahn Sabai. Anthony pampered me with an hour long deep tissue massage and hour long facial. I came out glowing and famished. I walked home in the midday heat with a grin on my face...
A lovely start don't you think?
Day 1 of my 29th year and I am living healthy and relaxed. I'm giving myself the perfect day. I even give my parents a homemade card to thank them for giving me life. I'm that jazzed. It is like the first of the year when crowds of people suffering from hangovers make and break their New Year's Resolutions within the same day. The intentions to be perfect are there, but lets face it when one sets out to perform the impossible he or she is bound to experience a smudge or two of disappointments.
I ate Shabu Shabu with my parents and later dined on sushi with Anthony and somewhere in between I bought a pair of blue shoes. Those shoes are taking me into my 29th year. Those shoes are a foreshadowing of the following day when I sunk lower than the shoes and deep under the blue tide of sadness.
August 14th, I awake to suicidal thoughts chunking all the good of my life and spitting it down the toilet because the "Success" speech I heard the day I graduated from UCLA had not officially made itself fully known in my life. I should be a "wife", a "mother" and working at a "satisfying career". 29 is a difficult number to wrestle with. I drove to the ocean in my pajamas and watched the vastness of life for a couple hours. Out in the distance a person kayaked. Like the shoes, the kayaker took me on a symbolic journey. As I rained on my face with tears and woulda'-shoulda'-coulda's a transformation took place inside me. I drove home, took a shower and went to work.
August 15th I asked my boss for a raise. He denied me. This was a blow, but what could be worse than thinking death is the answer? Death can be figurative. Death can just be the end of something to make room for the new. I was listening. I talked to mom and I was listening. She said I should be a teacher. I should be a teacher.
Soon I will be that kayaker. I'm paddling out there. Can you see me? Can you see me? I'm the one with the blue shoes!
A lovely start don't you think?
Day 1 of my 29th year and I am living healthy and relaxed. I'm giving myself the perfect day. I even give my parents a homemade card to thank them for giving me life. I'm that jazzed. It is like the first of the year when crowds of people suffering from hangovers make and break their New Year's Resolutions within the same day. The intentions to be perfect are there, but lets face it when one sets out to perform the impossible he or she is bound to experience a smudge or two of disappointments.
I ate Shabu Shabu with my parents and later dined on sushi with Anthony and somewhere in between I bought a pair of blue shoes. Those shoes are taking me into my 29th year. Those shoes are a foreshadowing of the following day when I sunk lower than the shoes and deep under the blue tide of sadness.
August 14th, I awake to suicidal thoughts chunking all the good of my life and spitting it down the toilet because the "Success" speech I heard the day I graduated from UCLA had not officially made itself fully known in my life. I should be a "wife", a "mother" and working at a "satisfying career". 29 is a difficult number to wrestle with. I drove to the ocean in my pajamas and watched the vastness of life for a couple hours. Out in the distance a person kayaked. Like the shoes, the kayaker took me on a symbolic journey. As I rained on my face with tears and woulda'-shoulda'-coulda's a transformation took place inside me. I drove home, took a shower and went to work.
August 15th I asked my boss for a raise. He denied me. This was a blow, but what could be worse than thinking death is the answer? Death can be figurative. Death can just be the end of something to make room for the new. I was listening. I talked to mom and I was listening. She said I should be a teacher. I should be a teacher.
Soon I will be that kayaker. I'm paddling out there. Can you see me? Can you see me? I'm the one with the blue shoes!
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Same
If only I could tug the words out of me and into your view the way they were meant to be exposed: raw and real. Under-appreciated is how I feel right now in every aspect of my life. I want to dive under this wave of sadness and come back to the surface refreshed and new. My dreams have been interrupted for the past few nights like a hand reaching out for a hand-shake to signal a salutation. This meeting will end informally and abruptly. I will be abandoned.
My mind is frothy with thoughts bending spoons.
In my mind anything is possible even as I turn on the same fan on hot summer nights, recreate the same key strokes mimmicking a rundown assembling line five days a week, and wash the same hair and shave the same leg the same way almost every time I shower. My life is a Merry-Go-Round and I am getting dizzy and bored as the money stays the same and I recreate the same stain on the same shirt every time I wear it.
Sometimes I want to dance alone in the dark as scented candles flicker and test my ability to find peace. Solitude might bring me the answers I have been looking for by taking me away from the same place I have been looking at too long. Off on a plumeria petal I might finally rest my weary legs and captivate a quiet audience. Be still. Be quiet. Be not the same.
My mind is frothy with thoughts bending spoons.
In my mind anything is possible even as I turn on the same fan on hot summer nights, recreate the same key strokes mimmicking a rundown assembling line five days a week, and wash the same hair and shave the same leg the same way almost every time I shower. My life is a Merry-Go-Round and I am getting dizzy and bored as the money stays the same and I recreate the same stain on the same shirt every time I wear it.
Sometimes I want to dance alone in the dark as scented candles flicker and test my ability to find peace. Solitude might bring me the answers I have been looking for by taking me away from the same place I have been looking at too long. Off on a plumeria petal I might finally rest my weary legs and captivate a quiet audience. Be still. Be quiet. Be not the same.
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