Birthday Blue Shoes

Monday August 13th 2007 I celebrated my 29th birthday. My day began at 7:30 am. I drank a bottle of water and proceeded to do my traction and stretches to relaxing music. Soon after that I went to the kitchen where I ate a hard-boiled egg, a ruby red grapefruit and my vitamins for the day. This was followed by slipping into my exercise clothes and driving to the gym. I had a full workout and even got to read several articles from my favorite magazine "National Geographic". I drove home and took a refreshing shower and walked to a local Thai Massage place call Bahn Sabai. Anthony pampered me with an hour long deep tissue massage and hour long facial. I came out glowing and famished. I walked home in the midday heat with a grin on my face...

A lovely start don't you think?

Day 1 of my 29th year and I am living healthy and relaxed. I'm giving myself the perfect day. I even give my parents a homemade card to thank them for giving me life. I'm that jazzed. It is like the first of the year when crowds of people suffering from hangovers make and break their New Year's Resolutions within the same day. The intentions to be perfect are there, but lets face it when one sets out to perform the impossible he or she is bound to experience a smudge or two of disappointments.

I ate Shabu Shabu with my parents and later dined on sushi with Anthony and somewhere in between I bought a pair of blue shoes. Those shoes are taking me into my 29th year. Those shoes are a foreshadowing of the following day when I sunk lower than the shoes and deep under the blue tide of sadness.

August 14th, I awake to suicidal thoughts chunking all the good of my life and spitting it down the toilet because the "Success" speech I heard the day I graduated from UCLA had not officially made itself fully known in my life. I should be a "wife", a "mother" and working at a "satisfying career". 29 is a difficult number to wrestle with. I drove to the ocean in my pajamas and watched the vastness of life for a couple hours. Out in the distance a person kayaked. Like the shoes, the kayaker took me on a symbolic journey. As I rained on my face with tears and woulda'-shoulda'-coulda's a transformation took place inside me. I drove home, took a shower and went to work.

August 15th I asked my boss for a raise. He denied me. This was a blow, but what could be worse than thinking death is the answer? Death can be figurative. Death can just be the end of something to make room for the new. I was listening. I talked to mom and I was listening. She said I should be a teacher. I should be a teacher.

Soon I will be that kayaker. I'm paddling out there. Can you see me? Can you see me? I'm the one with the blue shoes!